Episode Report Card
admin: C+ | 6 USERS: A-
So Long, and Thanks for All the Super
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously on Smallville:

Jonathan and Martha Kent raised a cute little boy who came from outer space in a firestorm of meteors. That boy grew up to be Clark Kent, who was even mopier than the average teen. It was one day as he was moping on a bridge that sexy bald Lex Luthor hit him with his sporty Porsche. Lana Lang asked a befuddled young Clark "So what are you, man or Superman?" in one of the show's very first cheese bludgeonings. Clark inadvertently floated over his bed one morning, then spent the next ten years not flying. A computer version of his birth father told him he was the Last Son of Krypton (except for all the other Kryptonian dudes we met over the years). Jonathan Kent died. Six years ago, Clark met a Lois Lane who oddly looked ten years older than she does in the present day. Clark got a job at the Daily Planet during their "hire a nobody off the street and let them be a journalist" career fair. Clark's friend Chloe called him a superhero. Lex proclaimed himself the villain of the story. Lex made a bunch of mostly icky clones of himself just before he died in a fiery explosion. Lionel Luthor came from a parallel universe and taunted his daughter Tess Mercer and wreaked general havoc. Clark sent Zod and the Kandorians through a portal to another world and inadvertently allowed a gaseous Darkseid passage to Earth. Darkseid infected a bunch of people with "darkness" that mostly didn't change them in any perceptible way. Oliver was one of those infected but he only started acting hinky last week, thanks to Granny Goodness's control. Oliver "hypothetically" asked Clark what he would do if one of the team were infected and Clark did not respond in a particularly reassuring way. Under Granny's command, Oliver dug up some gold kryptonite that would remove Clark's powers permanently. Clark's various fathers gave him advice. Clark got tired of this and deactivated Jor-El.

Now forget almost everything you ever knew about this show because very little of it is going to make any difference at the end.

And now, the series finale of Smallville:

The episode opens with Chloe reading a bedtime story to a little blond boy. It's not Goodnight, Moon or The Velveteen Rabbit but a Smallville comic book. On the cover is an illustration of young Clark standing on the bridge, moping into the water below him, moments before he meets Lex Luthor for the first time. "This is the story of an amazing boy who grew up in the fields of Kansas in a little town called Smallville," she reads. The boy snuggles against her and gives her a big smile. His room is decorated with a solar system mobile and a bow and arrows. Chloe reads on. Clark (although he's not named in the comic as such) turned his back on his past so that he could embrace his destiny. He was such an idiot that he didn't see the darkness that was coming. (The comic book is nicer than that, but it's true.) There's an illustration of Lana and Chloe in high school, both of them more shapely than they were in real life, as well as Clark and Pete, all palling around by their lockers. It's all very cute, but wouldn't the writer, artist and publisher have to know Clark's whole story to put this together? How can he have a secret identity when anyone he went to school with is going to know it's him? How many other plaid-wearing, Lana-loving, gigantic supermodels went to Smallville High? "He was about to face his greatest challenge," Chloe reads. The boy glances up at the solar system dangling above his bed.

A model of Saturn turns into the real thing as we flash back to seven years earlier. For us, that's the present. A behemoth planet of flaming rock flies by, bigger even than Saturn, smashing through the outermost rings. Saturn's moonlets scatter. The flaming planet streaks toward Earth. Somebody save us all! Except we know everything will be OK because we just saw seven years into the future, so whatever.

It's dawn and Lois is already starting her workday at the DP. She's waiting at the elevator when Clark walks up beside her. "Some people take time off when it's their wedding day," he passive-aggressives. Lois tries to get away by getting onto the elevator but he sticks to her like super glue. She insists there won't be a wedding. They have the first of many, many discussions about their relationship. He pouts that she hasn't called him in eight hours. "Usually you figure things out when I give you some space," he says. Eight hours isn't space, dude. It's beauty sleep. They get off on Lois's floor. Through Lois's rambles about how busy she is with work, we find out the President is in town for a fundraiser and other stuff that doesn't matter. Lois says she also has to call all their guests to let them know the wedding is off. Clark responds by super-zipping over to snatch the contact sheet out of her hands. Lois tries not to let this ruffle her and turns to her phone as a backup. Clark snatches that out of her hand, too. Is he twelve? No, because not even a tween is this immature. Lois tells him to go out and save some people, but Clark is still quite insistent that they're going to get married. You know, Lois's reasons for calling off the wedding weren't entirely logical, but he's really being a patronizing jerk here. Lois gives him much the same speech she gave him in the last episode. He eventually leaves, but not before letting her know he'll be waiting for her at the altar. I'd dump him all over again just for being so damned pushy and presumptuous.

Chapel. Chloe and Oliver are decorating the place and doing kind of a sad job of it. All these months of planning and Lois kind of turning into Bridezilla and it comes down to Chloe and Oliver tying a few flowers to the pews. Oliver snarks about how much work weddings are. Yeah, that trip through Hobby Lobby's floral department was such a chore. He's glad he and Chloe were magically drunk for their own nuptials. They have an awkward moment of talking over each other before Chloe finally manages to ask Oliver if he would have married her without Zatanna's spell. Of course he would. "It's the best decision I don't remember making." That earns him a megawatt smile from his wife. She says she would do the same. They kiss and smile some more. Oliver hands her a bouquet of flowers and they walk down the aisle together, arms around each other. A stand-in for the wedding they missed? Perhaps. The discussion turns to Lois and Clark. Chloe hasn't been able to get in touch with Lois. Oliver doesn't seem especially worried. He shows Chloe the plain gold wedding bands he picked up for Lois and Clark. She's touched by how "simple and classic" they are but I bet she's glad to be married to a billionaire. As they walk by the water bowl at the chapel's entrance, the water turns from clear to black with rainbow sprinkles.

Luthor Mansion. Tess walks inside, all smiles and confidence, and lays out a set of blueprints. As she studies them, a shadow moves over her. "You're living up to your Luthor name," Granny Goodness says from the landing above. She calls Tess "the last heir to the dark dynasty." Yeah, those evil Luthors and their rampant blueprint ogling! When will the evil end? Tess insists she's rebuilding the place as a symbol of hope or something. Sadly, none of this will matter. Granny walks down the steps toward Tess. She talks about wanting to be a mother to Tess, how special Tess was. "Every soul on Earth charts its own destiny," Granny says, "tipping it toward the light or toward the darkness." She says she could always tell what side of the balance someone would fall to, but not with Tess. "Born to darkness but drawn to the light," Granny says. "Being a Luthor doesn't determine my fate," Tess grits out. Yeah, try to remember that for your last scene. Tess starts to leave in a huff but Granny pleads with her. She says she wants to save Tess's soul. She calls her Lutessa, earning my ire. Tess stops long enough to find out that Granny's trying to save her from Darkseid's Apokolips. (I always think that looks like a gloss shade from Urban Decay or som

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