The Barnness of Gettin'itOnitude. Except not. This is very sad and typical; Clark has set up a TV-tray dinner and lots of candles, as if he's trying to recreate The Police's "Wrapped Around Your Finger" video. Well, the only thing in Clark's fingers now are some blue balls. Lana didn't show up. Bo Duke -- who's been conspicuously absent lately directing and starring in earthquake movies -- comes in to check on Clark. "Don't worry, Dad, Lana stood me up. The secret's still safe," Clark bitters. Bo says there are a hundred different reasons Lana didn't show up. Like maybe she got trapped in a glass cage by a clone! Did you ever think about that, Clark? Or maybe she just has Superpenis Fright. Clark says he's given her so many reasons not to trust him, yet he's not going to give up. Listen to you, Clark! You sound like a wife beater! Bo sits down; he says a person can hold on too tight and for too long sometimes. Remember that cow that showed up mysteriously strangled and abused last year in the barn? Clark says he's liked Lana since the first time he met her, and that it's not going to change. Bo says he's not talking about Clark. He's talking about himself. But not about the cows. Yet. Bo says that a father is supposed to help his son build a life, not hold him back from one. Bo still thinks this secret thing is a bad idea, but he doesn't trust his instincts so much anymore. "I just hope you can trust yours," Bo says. Clark, in the moonlight, feels a little better about being completely dissed.
Talon, outside. An American flag is waving. The marquee should read, "It's okay, foreign visitors. We won't stack you into pyramids or point at your genitals. Unless you order it." The place is buzzing. Crazy Alanis is working the counter, but tries to avoid eye contact when Clark comes in. "The first cup of coffee is free," Alanis warbles to him when he approaches. Clark says he's just looking for Lana. Lana's the other decaffeinated beverage around here. Chloe has told Clark that the last time she saw Lana was with Alanis at the Talon. Alanis lies to Clark, telling him that Lana already left for Paris. Clark doesn't believe she'd just leave like that, two days early. "She said something about...hating goodbyes," Alanis says. She whispers her dialogue even more than Lana. Clark turns and flees. Alanis stares after him with deadened peepers.
The glass cage on loan from the Hannibal Lecter estate. Alanis, grinning, brings in a tray with TV dinners. "They're our favorite. With the brownie," she says. Lana tries to play nice and says, in a friendly tone, that they can still be friends without the, you know, imprisonment. Crazy Alanis asks how they can be best friends if Lana's moving away. Touché, pinky. Lana says they can write letters, and homegirl can come visit her in Paris. Alanis doesn't go for it. Alanis says they'll have fun together and one day, if Lana is good, they can run The Talon together. Lana gulps. Lana tries to reason with Alanis about the dynamics of friendship. Alanis counters that a friend is someone who would jump in a river to save your life. Shit, Lana. I guess it's a caged life for you. Lana still doesn't get it. She says a friend doesn't keep you locked up. Alanis says that Lana will get used to it. She did, too. Lana thinks people will come look for her. Alanis says everybody already thinks she went to Paris. It's a shocker only to Lana. She starts to cry. We go to commercials.