This is quite possibly the most insane episode of this show ever. For once, the insanity is on purpose. It all starts with Clark and his friends drinking a bottle of champagne they don't realize is from Zatanna. The charmed bubbly turns everyone into fun-loving morons as they head off to bachelor and bachelorette parties for the future Mr. and Mrs. Kent. The next thing you know, everyone's waking up with killer hangovers and no memory of what happened the night before. Chloe wakes up in Clark's closet dressed like Madonna's "Like a Virgin" video. The two of them spend most of the episode thinking they've married each other, due to the rings on their fingers and half a marriage license bearing Chloe's name. Lois and Oliver wake up on train tracks. Oliver's in a lime green tuxedo and Lois is down one engagement ring and up a poker chip, which she finds nestled in her bra. Emil Hamilton is an overnight Elvis-impersonating sensation and Tess is his go-go girl sidekick.
The subplots converge over a missing armored truck that some thugs accuse Emil of stealing. Clark's the one who actually stole it, but it turns out he was just taking it away from the thugs who were running some kind of insurance scam for a casino. As it happens, it's the very same casino where Lois got the chip after losing her ring at the tables. She and Oliver are kidnapped but escape by pretending to be showgirls. Yes, both of them don sequined bikinis and shake what their mamas gave them. Chloe and Clark rescue Emil, Oliver and Lois get her ring back and everything returns to normal.
Well, sort of. Chloe decides that her life's calling is to nurture budding superheroes (she mentions the future Batman and Wonder Woman, though not by name). She decides to become a reporter by day in Star City as part of her new identity. Just when it looks like she's going to break up with Oliver, we find out that they were the ones who got married and it looks like he's going with her, at least for now.
Also, there is a lemur.
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There is no "previously on Smallville" this week because it's really better if you don't remember that everyone is kind of in imminent danger. Impending doom is just such a party pooper. Instead, things start off at the Kent farmhouse. It's night. Lois descends the stairs all gussied up in smart black heels and a leopard-print dress that, while certainly figure-flattering, is not nearly as skimpy as one might expect, given this show's history with Lois's wardrobe. She's also got some big, heavy-looking gold earrings that look like door knockers and are kind of distracting. Clark is sipping some champagne in the kitchen and looks up just in time to see her coming down. "Wow, you look great," he says, genuinely stunned. She thanks him. "It never hurts to change it up a little bit," she says. "Except for the ring. Never gonna take that off!" She calls it her "sparkly little ball and chain," which makes Clark chuckle. Clark teases her about her girls' night out and she says her swingin' single past is behind her. Her earrings swing in enthusiastic agreement. She starts babbling about all the wedding being so "wedding-y." It sounds like the beginning of a long Lois spiel, but Tess and Chloe pop into the kitchen to save us all. They, too, have their finery on. Chloe's got on an olive silk halter and skinny skirt, while Tess has on a pewter-colored strapless number that I feel like we've seen before. Is she living at the farm now? Maybe she borrowed it from Lois. Anyway, Chloe produces a glittery tiara and tulle veil, which she and Tess clip to Lois's up-do. "This is actually not bad," Lois says. "I actually thought I'd be spending the entire night handcuffed to a blowup doll while wearing a dog collar." Clark gives her a mild look of confusion. Earth customs are so strange. Lois looks forward to all the free drinks her getup will earn her.
The girls giggle their way into the living room, where Oliver and Emil are waiting. Chloe pulls Clark aside for a moment, remarking on how happy he is. He puts his arm around her shoulder and gives her a squeeze. Why is it so rare that we see any of the friends on this show acting like actual friends? Clark tells her it wouldn't be the same without her. She laughs in agreement. Clark looks out over the room at his little gathering of friends. "I just wish I could freeze this moment in time forever." Man, don't say things like that on this show. You're likely to end up frozen for real. Luckily, this isn't that kind of episode... this time. Oliver announces that the limo has arrived. It should be noted that even though Clark is planning on spending an evening out on the town, he is not wearing his new glasses. Oliver suggests a toast before they leave and hands Chloe a champagne flute. Emil records everything on his little camera. Chloe raises her glass. "To the bride and groom," she says. Then she thinks about it for a second. "You know what? To friends. You two amazing people have been the best friends I ever could have asked for." She gestures at Oliver to include him. "We want you to know that we are here for you, to support you as you begin your 'happily ever after' adventure." Everybody clinks their glasses together and downs some bubbly. The camera pans over to the champagne bottle nestled in its ice bucket. There's a metal crest on the side of the bottle. It looks like turtle roadkill with fleurs-de-lis. That's probably not what it is. Everyone laughs in the background.