Welcome back, peeps! It's the most magical time of the year: the time when I only have to recap one episode of Smallville for a whole month! It's a Christmas miracle! Bust out the turkey gravy, goddammit. I'm ready to juice this mutha.
A playful instrumental rendition of "Deck The Halls" plays as Lois and Boy Editor are making out. He's actually decking her vagina with balls of...tinsel? Look, it's been a long break. I need to find my groove here. Boy Editor and Lois have obviously found theirs. The camera voyeuristically fondles their fully clothed bodies, hiding out and panning across this secret rendezvous. We see through a window behind them that it's snowing outside. Lois and Boy Editor finally stop kissing. Lois asks what she was saying. That this is wrong on many levels and that the worst part is that we don't even care anymore? Something like that? Boy Editor says that Lois did drag him in here to work. Work it! Lois tells Boy Editor that he needs to stop blabbing to the world that she's working on a Lex Luthor exposé. He didn't tell us. Boy Editor says that it's the biggest story of the year. Not that Lois has about a million conflicts of interest in writing such a story or anything. Also, why give the story to an untrained newbie instead of a veteran reporter? Maybe because Boy Editor isn't giving his holiday penis to that hypothetical reporter? I hope he found a decorative box to put it in first. Lois thought their dating life was going to be off the record. "We're hiding in a storage closet," says Boy Editor. "What more do you want from me?" It was nice of him to find a storage closet with windows. Lois -- wearing a fringed gold wrapping from a Christmas gift as a top -- wonders what I just wondered: what people will think of a newbie writing such a high-profile story. Boy Editor lies that it has nothing to do with their relationship. Lois wants to make sure that the only part of her body earning her stories is her reporter's nose. Heaven forbid that it should be her brain. Boy Editor says that he didn't assign the story: Lex wanted Lois to write it. Do...WHAT!? We cut from the scene before Boy Editor can explain this travesty. It is a travesty, I say! A Christmas besmirchment!
Daily Planet newsroom. Wow, that's a lot of Christmas trees and holiday decorations. I'll remember this when they talk about belt-tightening at The Daily Planet. Chloe is on her cell leaving a message for Clark. She calls it her "daily freakout." Chloe says it's been two weeks since she's heard from Clark; she knows that Clark and Lana smoothed things out before he left. Chloe's tired of telling people that Clark is in Minnesota with his cousin. How many people are asking? She says she's getting really angry or scared -- she can't decide which.
Lois walks in, freshly fluffed. She asks whether that was Clark on the phone. Apparently, he promised to fix their satellite dish before he left. Lois says that their TV still looks like Jack Frost puked all over it. Colorful use of...idiocy, there, Lois. I don't remember ever seeing a satellite dish on The Talon building. Chloe says that Clark is still in Minnesota spending the holidays with Kara. Where's MamaKent? I don't think Congress is supposed to be in session right now. Lois says that when Clark returns from the "Land of 10,000 frozen lakes," she'd really like her Daily Show back. Lois is going to be really disappointed when she gets her satellite back and hears about the writers' strike. Chloe wishes Lois a happy holiday and gives her a gift: birth control. Girl, your vag really need it. Actually, it's an envelope she had the print shop compile, containing all of Chloe's research on Lex. It looks like a pretty thin envelope to contain so many years of data. And what of this mysterious "print shop"? Is that a fancy way of saying "the laser printer"? Why would a print shop have all of Chloe's supposedly private research? Chloe calls the information "101 Ways to Make Lex Luthor Squirm." Number 41: Really cold dildo. Lois says that Chloe is her first legitimate source. Really? Good luck writing that huge article today. Chloe suggests that Lois thank her for convincing her cousin to break it off with Boy Editor. Chloe says that now nobody will say Lois didn't land this story fair and square. Actually, everyone is going to say she didn't land this story fair and square. Because she didn't. Lois's face shifts uncomfortably. She doesn't answer.