As Lois opens the envelope, she hears a phone ring. She opens a desk drawer and sees a slim black phone. She asks, not very loudly, whether anyone's lost a cell. Nobody answers, so she picks up the phone. We see someone's chin speaking on the other end of the line. "You've been ignoring me," he says. Oh no! It's the concept of good characterization personified! Lois says that it's not her phone, and that he's got the wrong person. The man on the phone says that she erased his emails and tossed his letters. "I'm trying to help you take down Lex Luthor," he adds. Lois says that when it comes to LuthorCorp conspiracies, a lot of material is tossed in the "Crazy" bin. As background music increases in tempo and intensity, the man wonders if this might move his concerns to the top of the pile: "There's a bomb on your cousin." Weird and unnecessary zooming close-up to the back of Lois's head. She turns, suddenly concerned. Another intense zoom to Chloe, who is looking at a file nearby. The man on the phone says that if Lois says a single word to anyone, Chloe will die. Dude, do you know Lois? You may as well have just killed Chloe and saved yourself a few seconds of valuable time. Creepy music plays. "Do I have your attention now?" asks the man. Lois isn't allowed to say one word to anyone, so she doesn't.
Opening credits. I would have liked it if they had put CGI Christmas hats on everyone. I know I ask for too much sometimes.
Commercials. McDonald's wants you to give your friends a gift card for their fine foods as a Christmas gift. Why not just decorate a box of rat poison with a festive bow?
Stately Luthor Manor at night. It's snowing, so it looks like we're seeing the castle inside a snow globe. Inside the Lair of Lex, two men are fencing. Hey, watch those valuables! Do you mean to tell me that in Lex's giant estate, there's not a gym where they could be doing this? Both men are wearing fencing masks, and given the paunchiness of the bodies, it's pretty easy to tell these are stunt doubles. Either that, or Lex and Boy Editor put on a few pounds over Thanksgiving. Lots of grunting and dodging. Seriously, these are the ugliest, least flattering fencing whites ever. One guy knocks the sword away from the other guy. The mask is lifted, and Lex is revealed to be the victor. Boy Editor is the loser, but then we already knew that. Boy Editor says that when he suggested a dinner party, he wanted to consume calories, not burn them. Judging from what we just saw, you do need to burn some, dude. Lex says that, technically, he's supposed to be doing some charity work at a Suicide Slums nursing home, but he'd rather be here, beating Boy Editor two matches to one. How big of you, Lex. Lex has two bottles of something non-alcoholic on his drink cart. Is that grape soda? That totally looks like grape soda. No wonder he's paunchy. Boy Editor says that he wants Lex to ask someone else to write the exposé. Er, aren't you the newspaper editor? Why would Lex have to do that? Man, you are the worst editor ever. Could you resign? Please? Boy Editor, sweaty, says that Lois has a bad habit of diving for a penny and coming up with the Holy Grail. Why was she diving for a penny? Are the salaries that bad? Lex says that he has nothing to hide. Boy Editor reminds Lex of his murder accusation and divorce. How is a murder accusation relevant if the supposed victim is alive and well? (Wait, it's Lana we're talking about. Scratch "well" and just leave it at "alive.") Boy Editor says that Lois will get to Lex. Lex cleverly turns it around and says that Lois will get to Boy Editor instead. Wow. Witty, Lex. Did someone just write that for you? Lex isn't buying that Lois and Boy Editor have broken off their relationship, and isn't worried about Lois's vendetta: "I always find a way to win in the end." Boy Editor just blinks. Lex tries to look all bad-ass, but it's hard to do that when you're in a baggy fencing outfit, drinking grape soda.