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Chloe Lives!

Previously on Smallville. Corn. Cheese. Prison sausage. Oh, wait, that's this week.

Big open Vancou-- er, Kansas expanse of land. This is the heartland, people. This is the square mile of land that politicians are always talking about. God, does it look boring. Clark and his new friend Lois Lane are walking through it as Clark is clarifying last week's statement about Chloe's not being dead. Lois, rationally, asks how Clark could possibly know that. She asks if his hunch is just a rung on the grief ladder. Clark has no idea what she's talking about. He shifts gears, George W.-style, instead: "None of this would have happened if I'd been there." Oh, that's right. You were gone three months having sex with a cave crevice or some damn thing. Lois calls Clark "Commando" or "Conundrum" or "Curmudgeon" or something like that. I promise to turn on Closed Captioning as soon as I get past the first commercial. Lois bitches that Clark is "Yes, Ma; Yes Pa" half the time, and an overconfident Big Dumb Alien the other half. Clark tries to sound cool by saying that it must drive Lois nuts not being able to peg someone right away. Instead of sounding cool, Clark sounds like the little-known Native-American actor, Gives Flat Line Readings. Lois tells Clark that he's not that complicated. He doesn't even know what "complicated" means. Isn't that an Avril song?

Clark and Lois approach what looks like the Blair Witch house, except that it's in the middle of a tall hill surrounded by comically unnecessary police tape. "This is Chloe's safe house?" Lois asks. "You mean what's left of it," Clark says. Seriously, if Tom Welling's line readings get any flatter, Kate Moss is going to sue for plagiarism of her torso. Lois is sad that the safe house looks like a decimated crack shack. There's even an old car sitting charred right nearby. Now, was it just me, or did that safe house look like it was a nice house in a middle of a nice neighborhood last season? Now it's a lone nice house way up on a hill that the whole town can see? With no shade from trees? How safe is this house, exactly? You couldn't hide a Lifesavers-brand candy roll in there. Clark and Lois ignore the police tape and go inside the ruins. Lois asks what Clark's looking for. Please say "acting coach." Please say "acting coach." "I don't know, but the FBI sealed the case," Clark says. Dammit. "Doesn't that sound a little odd?" Clark asks. I'm so sorry to continue harping on this, constant reader, but Jesus Christ: is Tom Welling trying to channel Joey Tribbiani? Lois makes a crack about the FBI's dunderheadedness. It's not even that interesting. Clark wonders if Chloe got out before the explosion. Lois says that Chloe walked inside the house. We all saw it -- even Lois saw it, apparently. She says she doesn't know how anyone could survive that. She lets Clark live in denial, but says she wants to find out who did this to her cousin. She adds that the place gives her the creeps; she wants to go.

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