Episode Report Card
Omar G: B- | Grade It Now!
Chloe Lives!

U.S. Penitentiary. I'll never understand why the government would pay someone to landscape and put pretty flowers around a granite sign that reads "U.S. Penitentiary." Who goes there and says, "Well, Uncle Floyd got raped and stabbed and he won't be out for eighty years, but did you see the flowers outside? Such a nice prison they have out there!" There should be like human skulls and gargoyles on that sign. Look for this and other ideas for improving the government in my new book, Omar Explains it All, and Fuck Clarissa, by the Way. Inside the prison with the nice flowers, Papa Luthor is getting measured for a snazzy suit. This is how few suits I've had in my life: when I went to Paris and saw suits like that on the racks with the white dotted lines on them, I thought the suits were accidentally made inside-out. "Waste of a new suit, isn't it, Dad?" Lex asks, from beyond Papa Luthor's cage. Papa Luthor disagrees. He says that even if Chloe were alive to testify against him, the jury would still find him not guilty. Papa Luthor says he's sorry. Lex asks if it's because he killed a bright young woman who got in his way. Well, yeah, but other stuff too. Papa Luthor apologizes for Lex's not seeing the consequences of his actions when he betrayed his father. I think you're looking for a different word than "apology." Maybe "blame," or "project," or "interpersonally editorialize." Lex asks his father to can it with the threats already. Papa Luthor leaves the tailor and the mirror to approach Lex by the edge of the cage. The tailor is like, "Well...I'll just wait over here, then. With the needle and thread." Papa Luthor mentions all the tests he put Lex through to make him stronger. He says that, this time, it's different: Lex will never know when "It" will happen, but "It" will happen. They're remaking the Stephen King miniseries? Oh, crapsticks! Papa Luthor says that every swig of wine Lex takes, every key he turns, every friend he makes... "I'll be watching you"? Also, Lex won't have another moment's peace. That's cold, even for a Magnificent Bastard. Lex shits his pants. Metaphorically speaking. I think.

Cut to Lex pouring himself a glass of what looks like Welch's grape juice from a decanter. Yeah, I'm thinking that if I almost died of brandy poisoning, I'd be drinking everything straight from sealed aluminum cans or right out of the unopened new two-liter bottle. A woman in black walks in. It's Lana. As if Lex's day couldn't get any worse. "You look great," Lex says. Lana doesn't return the compliment. They hug with dual "hey"s. Lex says that, from her message, he couldn't tell if she was visiting or staying for good. "For a while," Lana says. All together now: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Lana says that Paris just wasn't for her. Lex mocks her, saying that Lana just must not be into late-night jazz clubs and walks along the Seine. He all but scores her tickets to next week's Truck and Tractor Pull. Lana and Lex sit. She says she felt that something was calling her home. Like, say, a five-year acting contract. "A little cryptic, but I'll take it," Lex says. Hmm, that's exactly what he was thinking when he met Clark. Lex mentions that Clark just resurfaced, too. That really shouldn't mean anything to Lana, should it? How would she know what's been going on in town? Unless she's reading the Smallville Ledger, which incidentally is only doing one article a week now. Guess those lower ratings aren't translating into any additional online dollars, huh WB? Lana, in her mitten-handed way, snarks, "Funny, I don't remember asking about Clark." We don't remember asking you back to town, beeyatch. Lana says she saw that The Talon was boarded up. She asks if Lex hasn't sold it by now. Lex says he had trouble letting it go. He asks if Lana's in the market for a partner. Lana says she isn't. But she wants to rent the apartment. And drink lots and lots of coffee alone. I just noticed that they've been using a lot less alt-crap music this season so far. At least in scenes where people aren't kissing or swooning over each other.

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