A school bell transitions us into a classroom of the science variety. A classroom? In Smallville High? Well, I just never thought I'd see the day. Clark and Sneaky Pete walk in; Pete's already bitching that Mrs. Kowalski, a supposed teacher, is an old lady who's going to show them an ancient sex film. I imagine those old, brown, grainy prints that look like Nine Inch Nails's "Closer" video. Clark says, "Who told you that? Your brother?" Pete has a brother? That we've never seen or heard about? I'll bet he becomes a Krypto-mutant in a future episode. Pete says his dad told him. Clark says he's sure it can't be that bad.
Just then, they start playing Nelly's "Hot in Herre" song (yes, that's the way it's spelled, dammit. I don't like that either). I totally called it last week! A woman who looks like she's wearing a tiny lavender slip walks in, all arching her back and trying to show off her boobies and cheeks like she's Mariah Carey and the room is full of rappers. She says her name is Miss Atkins and that she'll be the new Biology teacher. Pete looks like he's going to piss himself. Or worse. Chloe raises her eyebrows, wondering what more indignities she's going to suffer in this episode at the hands of another non-blonde competitor. Hot For Teacher pulls down a screen, and when she bends over, we totally see her lower ass cheekage. It doesn't look like she's wearing panties. Because I am weak, I leave it freeze-framed for about a week. Clark stumbles forward as if her ass were a kryptonite heartrock. Lana blinks a few times, and we see that she's sitting next to Chloe. Atkins apologizes for the lack of air conditioning, but not for the heat running in all her male students' now-tented pants. (Except Clark's, of course.) Atkins says that the students will just have to suffer through the heat with her. "Bring on the pain," Pete says, and he sure means it. Lana giggles for no reason. Teacher of the Year draws the shades. She asks everyone to try to stay awake. This is so a Whitesnake video.