Opening credits. I really want them to add that shooting-sperms bit to the opening next season.
Outside. A fire truck has arrived, possibly to shoot Clark for its next charity calendar. People are gathered around. Sirens. A honking silver Lamborghini shows up as Pete and Clark were just standing around. "Leeeex!" Clark purrs giddily. He has an important development to share. "I came as soon as I heard," Lex says, jogging as soon as he gets out of the car, neglecting even to shut the door. Of course you came, Lex. Of course you did. Lex runs right past the smiling Clark to go hug that reverse Lolita teacher. They hug. Clark is devastated. Teacher tells Lex that Clark was the only person who didn't panic and who kept a cool head. The less said about Clark's cooling head after his little spurt, the better. She says that Clark even put the fire out, which we didn't get to see. "Why am I not surprised?" Lex says. Lex is grateful. Clark is confused. Lex introduces the teacher as Desiree Atkins, his fiancée. Clark's face fills with sadness, confusion, and hatred. It is the dark side of the Gayest Look of the Episode. Jealousy? You're soaking in it, Clark. Teacher goes back inside.
"Fiancée, huh?" Clark asks, completely probing, but not in the way he'd like most. Clark says he didn't even know Lex was seeing anyone. Lex says he's never been more sure of anything in his life. Lex pulls a small envelope out of his pockety and says he was going to have it messengered, but will hand it over instead. It's a wedding invite. For a wedding this very night. Jeez, Lex. Ever heard of the telephone? Miss Manners would have your head on a platter for this. Lex says he knows it's short notice, but he wants Clark to be his best man. When is Clark not Lex's best man? Clark reluctantly agrees. Lex pats Clark on the shoulder and goes back to his car. It looks like it's going to rain, but since they just had a tornado last week, the show decides to just move on instead. Perhaps they'll re-enact the "November Rain" video at the wedding.
Returned-to-a-State-of- Stateliness-After-the-Tornado Luthor Manor. "Oh, a wedding present from your father," we hear a woman say. She's holding a form that says, "Prenuptial Agreement" in about 200-point font. Hey, I'm no lawyer or anything, but no. It's Object of Desiree, and she asks Lex if he wants her to sign it. Lex says that if she doesn't, his father could disinherit him. "Fine. I'll sign it," she all but moans. She says it's going to cost Lex a kiss. Well, sure, I don't see how that...ooooohhhh. They kiss, and some pink smoky stuff comes out of her mouth and goes into Lex's. It's those damned pheromones! It would be nice if they also time-released a minty burst of retsyn. Desiree says she'd really rather not sign those papers on their wedding day. I guess she wants post-post-nuptial papers instead. Lex says she's the best thing that's ever happened to him (in this episode), and he tears up the contract.