Remember Product Placement Pete? He's back to pitch a whole new annoying thing/product: Stride Gum. Pete is a roadie for the band One Republic (which somehow still has roadies even though they don't seem to tour, according to this show). But he's terrible at his job, as is evidenced when a set of speakers falls and almost lands on Kara, who is on a date with Jimmy Olsen. Pete saves Kara by stretching his arms, Plastic Man-style, and pulling her out of the way. What powers Product Placement Pete (P to the 3)? Kryptonite-enhanced Stride Gum, of course. And you thought the ground-beef factories had lax safety protocols. Pete revisits his old stomping grounds and is none too pleased with what's transpired these last few years. (Join the club, Pete. You should post on our forums.) He's pissed that Clark is friends with Papa Luthor and that everybody and their super dog knows about Clark's powers. Pete decides to go public with his abilities, especially since Jimmy has photographic evidence of his stretchy-stretchy. Before Pete can become a superstar, though, Lex reveals that he knows about Chloe's healing ability and will expose her to the world. He's also been snooping on Chloe's work computer, but he owns the whole newspaper, so it's a fair point. Pete gets pulled into the whole mystery of Kara's Kryptonian bracelet, which Lex asks him to retrieve from Papa Luthor's not-so-secret hiding place. When Clark confronts Pete about what he's doing, Pete nails him with some Kryptonite. But instead of taking the bracelet to Lex, Pete decides to kill him instead, which is a slightly different, and not as well-thought-out plan. The Stride Gum flies out of Pete's mouth and Lex and his henchman promptly beat him up. It's a sticky situation. Clark saves the day and Pete decides to slink off into the guest-star purgatory from whence he came, but not before giving Chloe a really long hug and apologizing to Clark. He also chews more Stride Gum just so that we know that there is NOTHING TO FEAR FROM THIS PRODUCT. That we know of. So far. We're still doing tests. Meanwhile, on an even more boring show, Kara is trying to find out why Clark and Lana are lying to her. She concludes that they're just douchebags (we know, we know) and goes and asks Lex if she can live with him. Lex, who was researching a strange constellation in his family crest (with the letter "V" for Vendetta. Or Veritas, I guess), is like, "Oh fuck yeah you can." He closes the doors so that presumably they can chew Stride Gum together and Stride the Stride away for the rest of the Stride. What we don't know: what Stride does the Stride Stride in Stride Stride Stride Stride Stride. Stride?
Well, that was a lovely little vacation. Sometimes, though, I would turn on the light while going to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and there Smallville would be, just out of the corner of my eye, reflected in the mirror. Sometimes, I'd wake up from a nightmare and turn in my bed, and instead of my wife, it was SMALLVILLE! And now, when I'm in the shower, I'm afraid to wash my hair. Because I might open my eyes and find Smallville standing there! It's like I always feel like somebody's watching me (watch Smallville). Luckily, Smallville is back, and I've returned to writing about it, so the show doesn't have to sneak around and try to scare me anymore.
We begin at nighttime in a hip warehouse district of Metropolis, where young people can't wait to go to a club called "Stride." That's funny...it's also the name of a chewing gum. That must be some kind of weird coincidence. Inside, there's an expensive lighting system, loud music, and a crowd. Jimmy Olsen is there with Kara. She doesn't seem to be impressed by the club or by being there with Jimmy. She asks if he's sure they used to go to places like this. Yes! Totally! And, according to Jimmy, you used to totally give him blowjobs in the bathroom. In fact, it's about that time, if you don't mind, ya little amnesiac. Meet you there? Kara looks around as the lights make her face go alternately red and blue. She says she's drawing a blank. Jimmy says it'll come back. Now, about those blowjobs... Jimmy offers to introduce Kara to his favorite "bevvy." How is she supposed to remember something that doesn't even resemble English in the first place? Jimmy leaves a hot amnesiac blonde alone in the middle of a nightclub to get drinks. Stupid, stupid Jimmy.
We cut to people standing around, not dancing. A familiar face pushes his way through the non-crowd. Hey, that's Pete Ross! He's even wearing a hoodie, for old times' sake. Pete goes to the super-hip DJ (he's not quite as cool as DJ Jesus) and asks if they have any more gum for the promoter. Heh, almost like the name of the club. What a weird coincidence. "Look around. We're in a gum factory, Einstein," the DJ says. Wait...what? Stride is the name of the club, and it's in a gum factory? Holy shit! I think this was intentional! Why, I've been bamboozled! I feel right manipulated! Damn you, corporate Americaaaaaa! "Right," Pete says and walks off. The Closed Captioning says Pete retorts with, "Bite me very much, jerk." I kind of like that.
Pete walks back to a giant room where, indeed, gum-mobilizing equipment is being utilized. Gum may seem benign, but it requires forklifts, boxes, and warehouse space to get it from the factory to your gaping maw. Pete looks around dubiously until he sees an open box atop a set of pallets of boxes of Stride gum. Pete makes a horrifying lips-pursed face. His salivary glands just activated something fierce.