Chloe chooses the worst time to have a birthday party, having just had her husband abandon her. She's also realizing that she's surrounded herself in life with insufferable douches. Lana is off fighting invisible crime somewhere, Clark can't be bothered to show up at Chloe's shindig, Lois runs off to an assignment in Mexico and Oliver goes off to play green-tights hero. Where's Davis? Still out posing in the rain? The birthday is so crappy that Chloe allows some tarty tights-wearing magician girl to grant her a birthday cupcake wish. In a moment of clear insanity, Chloe wishes she had Lois's exciting reporter life. Poof! She wakes up the next morning with boob-inflicted back pains and Lois's face.
Meanwhile, the magician girl, Zatanna, visits Oliver and seeks his help in reacquiring a book her dead father left for her. It's a magic book, filled with dark, nasty things. Oh, dad! The book was purchased by Lex and is probably accessible to Oliver somehow. She tells Oliver that if he gets the book, she'll grant him one wish. Oliver finds the book, but after a 2-second review of it decides to burn it instead. Zatanna uses her magic to chain up Oliver (whose Green Arrow disguise she easily figured out) and takes the book anyway without the wish. Sucker! Did we mention she's not a meteor freak, but actually uses real magic to grant wishes? Just thought you should know.
Chloe adjusts to life as Lois by dropping her IQ about 20 points and letting Clark ogle her. Clark finally figures out the body-swap (after Chloe explains it to him) and they track down Zatanna, who grants Clark his own wish. He forgets all about his powers and becomes a straight-laced, really boring reporter type. [Also? Kind of a dick. - Zach] Chloe has to pep-talk him into jumping up the Daily Planet building to save Zatanna from herself. In order to try to bring her dad back to life, she's trying to sacrifice her own life using the evil book. Chloe is almost sacrificed in her place, but in the end, they convince her that this isn't what her dad would have wanted. Clark even invokes Bo Duke's memory to make the point. Chloe, having helped someone, reverts to her own body and decides she's fine with her own life and no longer is jealous of Clark and Lois's reporting adventures.
Zatanna gives Oliver her business card and tells him to call if he ever needs help. She's going to walk the Earth or something and figure things out. But she definitely falls under the "Good guys who may/may not come back later" category. Speaking of good guys, Chloe and Oliver decide to work together more closely. Chloe becomes Watchtower, the communications specialist for the Justice League. At the end, she's plugging in and shedding her old life. I guess I can't blame her, since her old life had been whittled down to a harmless nub of nothing by this point.
We open on Metropolis, a flyover at night. The anonymous buildings glitter as we pass them by. We cut to Chloe on the balcony of what looks like the remodeled Ace of Clubs. She looks forlorn, which is understandable. She's wearing a sleeveless green dress, which I'm guessing makes for a pretty cold night up there. Chloe plays with her wedding ring. Her sad mood is broken when someone puts a birthday present in front of her. It has an orange bow and a small card taped to it says, "From Clark." "Clark, you shouldn't have," Chloe says, smiling, but turns to find Oliver standing there instead. Most ladies would happily take that trade-in. Oliver says Clark's sorry he couldn't make it. He and Bart (speed demon Impulse) are off fighting crime. [In Keystone City, no less! - Zach] Chloe, her hair sexily tousled, is aware of the trouble going on, but doesn't elaborate. Chloe is only a bit disappointed. Oliver tells her to see what she got. She opens the gift box, which in the TV convention is not taped up at all and slides open easily. Wrapped inside the box's orange tissue paper is something that brings back memories for Chloe. "I haven't seen this in ages," she says. It's a book, Tales of the Weird & Unexplained, which she lost when she moved to Smallville. Aw, Clark remembered. She smiles wistfully. Oliver asks if she's all right. She lies and says she is. She says birthdays just make her reflective. Oliver suggests they get Chloe out of her own head and into the party.
The two of them step back inside the main club. Chloe suddenly goes wildly off script, it seems. "See? Case in point. That was supposed to be my life," she says, pointing to Lois. Lois, wearing a typically va-va-voom bustified outfit, is laughing with some partygoers over near the bar. She's waving her arms around, telling some outrageous story we're blessed not to hear. The camera stays on Lois for just a beat too long as Chloe asks Oliver what happened. She says she was on the fast track to becoming an intrepid reporter and now she's a shrink to meteor-infected kids who'll probably turn out to be killers while Clark and Lois walk the beat with matching press passes. Chloe amazingly gets all that out in a single sentence. Not to be bitter, but Chloe adds that she was able to hold on to "happily ever after" for 2.3 seconds before her marriage imploded. Uh... happy birthday? Want a drink? Chloe gives Oliver big, glaring eyes. Oliver chooses the interesting route of making an opera reference. He asks if this is the part where Chloe belts out the soprano's aria and shoves a dagger in her corset. Oh, Oliver. Why? Chloe, who has nothing to apologize for, apologizes for the operetta. "I would love to know how she does it!" Chloe says. All right, that's it. I'm out. I quit. What the Hell is this bullshit? Chloe wants to know how Lois is a great reporter? Okay, maybe I don't quit, but Chloe should. Fuck whatever set of circumstances got us to this point, because it's a messed-up world when Chloe has to be jealous of Lois's bullshit reporting skills. And apparently we are living in that world. It is a cold, dead world.