Smallville

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Magic: The Blathering

Oliver, who seems to speak only in bad dialogue smatterings these days, says he's detecting a hint of jealousy in there. "Noooo," Chloe whines, defensively. She thinks after all these "Debbie Ups and Downers lately" she'd just like to be back in the bullpen. Oliver rolls his eyes around thinking of something to say or somewhere else to be. Before he can answer, Lois steamrolls over. "Hey!" she says, "one year closer to the sweet release of death!" She hands Chloe a cupcake with a candle on it. Nice thing to say to a relative on the edge of divorce. I know she's a lady, but Lois is a real dick. Chloe frowns and smiles at the same time, calling it "Wonderfully morbid." Yeah, that's one thing you could call it if you didn't want to use the words "Giant" and "asshole." Lois apologizes for having to leave to cover a factory worker strike in Mexico. She says the paper is sending her "El primero classo, wheels up in 30." She puts a tiara on Chloe's head. Lois tells Chloe not to do anything she wouldn't do. What would that be? Lois tells her she loves her and plants a kiss on the birthday girl's cheek. And with that, she's out. Where the Hell is Davis? This would be the perfect opportunity for him to mack on Chloe's bruised, rebounding heart.

Lois walks past a woman who's wearing high-heeled leather boots and fishnet stockings. We pull back to show that she's wearing a funky lady-tux and a top hat. If she had a monocle, she could be the world's sexiest Mr. Peanut. She's also got a white bow tie, tons of makeup and is carrying a cigar tray with her name in the front, "Zatanna." Mmm, I love Zatanna with peanut butter on a warm crepe. Wait, am I thinking of the right condiment? The oddly dressed woman stares at Chloe. Just then, Oliver's phone rings. He starts to make an excuse, but Chloe cuts him off: "Duty calls," she says. She tells him it's fine. Oliver apologizes again and says happy birthday. No kiss or hug or gift. Nice one, asshole. I sure hope Oliver is picking up the tab for this party. As Oliver is walking out, Zatanna stands in his way, She says he looks like a button-up man who could use a little magic in his life. "Button-up?" He's wearing a tie, and his top button's not even buttoned. I think he could use more buttoning-up than magic, frankly. Oliver palms off the magician on Chloe. He says she could use the hocus-pocus and truly deserves it. Thanks? Chloe winces as Zatanna watches Oliver go. Zatanna brightens up as she gives Chloe an up-and-down look. "Rough birthday?" she asks. Does Chloe really look that terrible? Chloe asks if she's seen the napalm scene in Apocalypse Now. "More fire, less cake," Chloe deadpans. Zatanna, who looks in close-up like a mix between a young Priscilla Presley (thanks forum posters) and a mascara-testing rabbit, suggests they make tomorrow a better day. She asks Chloe to make a wish. Chloe stares at what I suspect is a CGI candle flame. Zatarra's eyes flash blue momentarily from their normal green. We cut quickly to a shot of Lois talking and laughing into her phone. Chloe blows out the candle.

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Smallville

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