Locker room. I pause, and my Closed Captioning reads "Whoo" four times across the screen at once as the players rush in. Helmets are banged. One of the "Whoo"s is replaced with a "Yeah!" Coach interrupts the reverie to say, "There is another team eating crow tonight, gentlemen!" Ew. So the other team is eating them? What kind of sick, twisted, cannibalistic Midwest jargon is this? Coach begins to say how important next week's game is, but Jocko interrupts and lets everyone know, by way of dramatic exposition, that it's going to put them in the state championship and will be Wonder Coach's 200th win. Jocko Whitney has a perfect, neat clot of dirt on his cheek. When he was in a truck wreck, he had a slim, neat cut across his cheek. Jocko is all about having his cheeks properly accessorized. We get a ceiling-shot of the Smallville Crows logo on the floor -- a red circle with a black crow. How inspired. All the players put in their fists and chant, "Coach Walt!"
The Creepy Music of Impending X-Files-isms plays as we pan across Wonder Coach's office and then to a sauna with a sign that says "Sauna." A plaque next to the "Sauna" reads, "Walt's Private Sweat Box. From the alumni association in recognition of twenty years of dedicated service." Inside, a hand ladles water over a bunch of nasty, porous-looking rocks. They steam up a nasty green cloud, which JUST. ISN'T. HEALTHY. How can he not notice that? Instead, Wonder Coach leans in and takes a deep breath, as if he's in the Halls of Medicine. The fat, bloated, puffy, rotty, corpulent body that is Wonder Coach takes a seat, with yellow towels blessedly wrapped around his neck and his genitalia. As he sighs repeatedly, we zoom in on the creepy rocks. So much so that we go, Fight Club-style, into the rocks to see the glowing kryptonite within. Is there kryptonite in the house? Then I think we'll have this week's mutated villain soon. There's a knock on the door. Wonder Coach invites in whomever it is. A youngish, snappily dressed man of the Asian persuasion steps through the sauna door. "Principal Kwan," Wonder Coach introduces. I can't decide if I should make a joke about Michelle Kwan, the figure skater, or about how "kwan" meant "coin" in Jerry Maguire. What do you, the readers at home, think? Feel free to make up your own joke for this space. Coach asks what brings the principal to the Sweat Box. I really wish he wouldn't call it that. "We've got a problem, coach," Principal Smooth says, and he reminds me of B.D. Wong from Oz. His suit even has a white collar that makes him look a little like a priest.