Principal's office. Ooh, you in trouble! Football players have been cheating. Shocking! Seven players, Principal Smooth reveals, cheated on a math midterm. Smooth says that the players will be ineligible to play in the next game. Coach suggests they keep it quiet for a few weeks and deal with it in the off-season. But Principal Smooth is also Principal Principled. He won't let an academic infraction get swept under the rug. I see now that he's wearing a sweater over his shirt and tie, and I lost about a third of a percentage point of respect for the man. It is at this point that Wonder Coach begins to lord over his domain. He says he's been there twenty-five years -- unlike the principal, who's only been around for six months. "We're not just talking about a game; we're talking about my legacy," Coach says. Smooth responds, smoothly, "I don't care about your legacy. I'm here to educate young people." Okay, he got the percentage back. Coach really loses it here and starts yelling about how many young men he's educated who've gone on to get great jobs as used-car salesmen and real-estate agents. Here's how smooth Principal Smooth is: "I know most people think you walk on water, Coach. But I think you're dangerous." A principal with balls. Who knew? Coach grimaces mightily. As he walks out, Principal Smooth says he's suspending the players on Monday, end of story. Wonder Coach -- who's wearing a symbolic red terrycloth robe -- gets mad and throws his towel on his desk. WHOOSH! A plume of flame spreads across the desk. The camera pans back to reveal Wonder Coach looking at the fire in horror, all, Did I do that? A miniature set of football players is engulfed (how many times you wanna bet I use the word "engulfed" in this recap?) by flames. The Coach reacts in horror at seeing a huge poster of himself on the wall equally eaten up by the fire. We black out on Wonder Coach, horrified at his own firebugness.

Opening credits. They're growing on me. By Episode 5, I plan to start singing along.

Smallville High. Shaper of young minds and the odd superhero and supervillain. The show is working really hard to make me love it, because they're playing "Clint Eastwood" by Gorillaz and y'all know that's the jam. You do know that song's about drugs, right? Just checking. Clark is holding a copy of The Smallville High Torch, the school newspaper. The headline reads "Football: Sport or Abuse?!" I don't even know where to begin with this. What retarded newspaper adviser let dumb-ass Chloe put a question mark and exclamation point at the end of the same headline? Clark Bar feels the need to read the headline out loud, just in case we're illiterate. Chloe asks what he thinks. "I think you need to seriously decrease your cappuccino dependency," Clark replies. That's what's wrong with this country. When you can get a cappuccino or a Jamba Juice in Kansas, there's no reason to dream of living anywhere else. Pete sticks up for Wonder Coach by saying that his dad and brothers were all coached by the man and he used to come over to watch the Super Bowl. It sounds like he's defending a pedophile. Chloe -- who is wearing a nasty green trenchcoat -- is proud that she is engaging in non-subtle journalism and that she's gotten hate mail. Her trenchcoat, by the way, is so ratty that if she applied to be in the trenchcoat mafia, they'd make her go get them some baked ziti. Chloe goes on about how great it is to get hate mail and how it means she struck a nerve. I get hate mail sometimes, and it usually just means I misspelled somebody's name or made a tiny mistake while writing about UNIX. I see from the underlying show credits that Wonder Coach is actually called "Coach Walt Arnold" on the show. They just couldn't resist the Wonder Years reference with that last name, huh? Sneaky Pete remarks that if Chloe thinks the guys on the football team are reading her paper, she's giving them way too much credit. Hell, they barely know how a pencil works.