Episode Report Card
admin: B- | Grade It Now!
I'm Your Firestarter!

The episode begins with a teaser, but no "Previouslys" because, I mean, damn. The WB just showed the first two episodes again as a two-hour special just days ago, and if you can't figure out that Clark Kent is Superman and that he doesn't like the kryptonite, well The WB sure isn't going to help your stupid ass. Either that, or you're still watching Roswell and The WB has even less love for you.

We come in on a alt-rock musical montage of the Smallville Crows playing some nighttime football. I can't decide if this is supposed to be All the Right Moves with a little Any Given Sunday crunch, but one thing is certain: it's wet, and there's manly football to be played. If this were Top Gun, we'd be hearing Kenny Loggins singing "Playin' With the Boys." Kevin Arnold's dad from The Wonder Years is the coach, and he makes incredibly animated grimaces every time the camera happens upon him. Players line up. "Hut, hut!" is called. Guitars crunch and grind. It's like slick football porn. Slow-motion bodies crunch. The crowd goes nuts -- even the people in rain slickers holding "LETS GO CROWS!" Apostrophes? We don't need no stinkin' apostrophes! Several opposing team players sack/crunch the Smallville quarterback. The QB approaches the sideline, and the coach is ready to tear him a new helmet hole. Wonder Coach yells about it being a "pass play." The QB -- Jocko Whitney -- whines that the rain is falling so hard he couldn't see the passers. This is Kansas. Aren't these football players used to playing in the middle of tornadoes? The coach freaks out, grabs Whitney by the facemask (fifteen yards!), and pulls him to his manteats. "What does it say on my jacket?" Coach yells. "Starter?" Jocko wants to say, but instead he answers, "Coach." Coach blathers that coaching is not a democracy, you'll do as I say, blah blah blah playbookcakes. Coach elaborates that they've run the play hundreds of times, and that he doesn't have to see the passers to know where to throw. Just use The Force, Jocko. "I want you to win this game for us," Wonder Coach says, and all of a sudden, I see his Yoda-like wisdom. Scoreboard: Smallville, 20. Other Team, 24. "I'm a lover, I'm a renegade FIGHTA, gotta set your soul on FIYA!" the song blares. Players line up. Jocko gets the ball. The players in the distance go blurry. He dodges tacklers. Tosses the ball. Gets his ass tackled anyway. Endzone-bound player dives and catches. Coach screams. Cheerleaders jump up, bouncing their tiny boobies. Ponchoed fans cheer.

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