Episode Report Card
Omar G: B- | Grade It Now!
I'm Your Firestarter!

Fencing music! Lex and Papa Luthor are in matching white outfits because of course there's a custom-fitted fencing suit for Papa wherever he goes. They fence, quite badly. At one point, Papa rolls over a pool table, waving his hair around, then has the nerve to call Lex's moves rash and immature. Showoff. I don't get a really good look at Papa's package, but I could have sworn I saw a cameltoe. Papa tells Lex he's ruled by his emotions and always has been. They fence for a bit until Papa pushes Lex's foil away and gets him on the upper chest. He pushes him down by swordtip to the floor and says he wants the workers gone by noon the next day. Lex breathes heavily. "Meeting adjourned," Papa says. Lex is left to bask in a glowing red light of his own humiliation and odd arousal.

Barn. I don't know why Clark is using this place as his dressing room, but he's put on a red jersey with a #22 on it. I have no idea what the significance of that is. MamaKent comes up and tells him he looks as handsome as his father. We've got some weird parental-child remarks flying around in this episode. Clark tells his Ma that she doesn't have to play peacekeeper all the time. She tells Clark that they're both to blame, both Clark and Bo Duke. She tells Clark that she and Bo Duke want to trust Clark, but that it's hard, what with his being a freakish alien and all.

School bonfire. Chloe has no school spirit whatsoever, because instead of cheering, she's sneaking around. She goes up to that blond wussy player from before, who is standing scared next to one of the stadium entrances. Turns out Chloe called him earlier to try to dig up some dirt. He tries to play scared informant and tells her she should just leave the situation alone. Deep Throat he's not. Chloe tells him that whether he talks or not, the photo she has will be on the front page of The Torch the next day. It's a picture of the players gathered around the field with fire all around them. What's so incriminating about that? He's still scared, though. But he tells Chloe to leave him alone.

As Scaredy Player walks back to his car, Wonder Coach finds him and grabs his arm. Sizzle time! Steam comes up where the Coach is grabbing the player's hand. He whines the whole story about Chloe to the Coach, who just says, "All right," and lets go of the kid's arm. "I'll take care of this."

In the offices of the soon-to-be-aptly-named Torch, Chloe is hard at work on her iMac on a front page detailing the fire-sprinkler scandal. This show is all about the product placement. Rock music plays, because laying out pages is so damned cool. From behind a fire exit, Wonder Coach closes his eyes and concentrates. He's a Firestarter! Somebody call The Prodigy! Suddenly, Chloe's mouse and computer burst into flames. Yep, a cheap iMac will do that. She gets up, and the whole desk is on fire. Then a blue pool of flame extends on the floor toward Chloe, who is backing away toward the window. Outside, people are cheering around a bonfire. Get it? More fire? God, I love parallels. At that moment, Sneaky Pete asks Clark Bar whether he's seen Chloe. "Nope." Inside the building, Chloe opens a window and yells, "Clark!" Clark is the only person outside who notices that a fire is going on in the building and that somebody is yelling. Naturally. Inside, Chloe takes off her jacket, wraps it over her head, and tries to run though the fire. The coat catches fire, but she tosses it off and makes it through. Then some flames come up in front of her. She turns, and more flames are behind her. These flames are smart! In the hall, Clark is super-speeding along in Blur-O-Vision. Clark bursts through the door. The Coach opens his eyes and loses his concentration. By the time Clark is there, the flames have all died down, and Chloe doesn't even have a slight smoke stain on her. She and Clark hug. Never mind getting out and away from the fire. The Coach walks off, severely disappointed.

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