Episode Report Card
Omar G: B- | Grade It Now!
I'm Your Firestarter!

In the torched offices of The Torch, Clark Bar and Chloe are going through the rubble. So the police and the fire department, who are clearly not in any way involved in this fire, just let the students go back in immediately? Of course. Yes. That makes sense. Clark tries to make a dramatic-irony joke (the same one I used to start this paragraph) and it falls flat. Just like mine. Chloe -- she of the Wall of Weird -- is already on top of things. She knows the fire was sentient, she knows about the pyrotechnic sprinklers, and she knows about the connection with Principal Smooth. Chloe is like a lawyer. She just saps the fun out of everything by knowing every damn thing. I still don't like her. Clark doesn't believe Chloe because she's already 2 for 2 in straight episodes as far as sniffing out conspiracies. Clark tells Chloe she has no proof that her equipment was toasted. She says they can squeeze the information out of Trevor. "He wants to talk. I know it," she says. She thinks Trevor will open up to Clark. Of course. He's got that man-love thing going.

At the atrociously named "Beanery" (doesn't that name just make you think of farts?), Lex is sitting in a chair looking at some financial figures. Doesn't Lex have a whole staff of competent butlers and cooks to make him a good cup of coffee? Lex is all about taking down The Man, one coffee bean at a time. Lana walks up to Lex. "Lana? What happened? Did Nell put you out on the street?" he asks. No, Lex. Hooking is Nasty Nell's job. Lana tells Lex that she's broken the most dishes of all the waitresses. Don't you have to have a little coordination to be a cheerleader? Lex tells her to bring his cappuccino in a Styrofoam cup. Ha. Lex is funny. Clark walks in just then wearing the big #22 that he can't seem to take off. Lex is watching intently. Clark Bar asks Lana how she's doing. "Today is one of those days I just want to scream," she says. You know, she delivers every line exactly the same way. As if it's a loud whisper. She apologizes for not getting to see Clark play the next night. She'll be working, you see. She asks if she can get him anything. Just then, Lex looks up and gives the Gayest Look of the Episode, a kind of "Who is this trifling woman and why is she standing between me and my Ho-Ney!" He's having little fencing fantasies in his head. Clark sits down with Lex, who gives Clark a hard time about joining the football team. "Your dad must be thrilled," Lex says. He's always bringing up Bo Duke. Lex does a charming bit about how his family is all about uncomfortable silences, just like the one in the Kent home now. Then Lex shows Clark what he's working on: deciding what poor bastards to fire from the fertilizer plant. Lana chimes in, unwelcomed, that her Aunt Nell had a look on her face when she found out about the waitressing. Which isn't entirely true if I remember that scene right. "I guess we're all in the same boat," Clark says. Yeah, the Boat of This Shit Hasn't Got Much in Common, But Let's Draw Some Weak Parallels Anyway. Yeah, that ship has sailed, all right. "You both stood your ground and are doing what you want," Lex says, "and I caved. You two have inspired me." Clark says that all they did was join a football team and pour some coffee. Notice how he makes his thing sound good, but reduces Lana's new job to mere housework. Bastard. They raise their cups and toast the revolution, which is pretty precious, but what do I know. I worked at Whataburger all through high school. Lex takes a sip of his big foamy drink and gets a big white glob of foam on his upper lip. I don't think that's an accident. He tells Lana it's perfect. "Is that what you ordered?" Clark asks after Lana leaves them to their looove. "Not even close," Lex tells him. You can cut the sexual tension in this scene with a knife. A very gay knife.

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