Episode Report Card
Omar G: B- | Grade It Now!
I'm Your Firestarter!

Opening credits. They're growing on me. By Episode 5, I plan to start singing along.

Smallville High. Shaper of young minds and the odd superhero and supervillain. The show is working really hard to make me love it, because they're playing "Clint Eastwood" by Gorillaz and y'all know that's the jam. You do know that song's about drugs, right? Just checking. Clark is holding a copy of The Smallville High Torch, the school newspaper. The headline reads "Football: Sport or Abuse?!" I don't even know where to begin with this. What retarded newspaper adviser let dumb-ass Chloe put a question mark and exclamation point at the end of the same headline? Clark Bar feels the need to read the headline out loud, just in case we're illiterate. Chloe asks what he thinks. "I think you need to seriously decrease your cappuccino dependency," Clark replies. That's what's wrong with this country. When you can get a cappuccino or a Jamba Juice in Kansas, there's no reason to dream of living anywhere else. Pete sticks up for Wonder Coach by saying that his dad and brothers were all coached by the man and he used to come over to watch the Super Bowl. It sounds like he's defending a pedophile. Chloe -- who is wearing a nasty green trenchcoat -- is proud that she is engaging in non-subtle journalism and that she's gotten hate mail. Her trenchcoat, by the way, is so ratty that if she applied to be in the trenchcoat mafia, they'd make her go get them some baked ziti. Chloe goes on about how great it is to get hate mail and how it means she struck a nerve. I get hate mail sometimes, and it usually just means I misspelled somebody's name or made a tiny mistake while writing about UNIX. I see from the underlying show credits that Wonder Coach is actually called "Coach Walt Arnold" on the show. They just couldn't resist the Wonder Years reference with that last name, huh? Sneaky Pete remarks that if Chloe thinks the guys on the football team are reading her paper, she's giving them way too much credit. Hell, they barely know how a pencil works.

Clark walks by Lana, and we get the Slow Motion of Stalkerly Affection. She's having a heated discussion with Jocko Whitney. Clark Bar can hear it all because he has that Super Hearing thing going. The "fight" he overhears consists of Lana saying, "Well, I think it is a big deal," and Jocko looking blank, wondering how he got himself tied to this sinking tugboat of a relationship. Lana, in her little cheerleader outfit and cheerleader sweater, storms off. Or in her case, with her acting range, it's more like a light drizzle off. Chloe must still think she's Dorothy Parker reincarnated, because she snarks, "There's something you don't see every day: a pompon meltdown." Chloe needs a good Superslap. Just then, a bunch of football players walk out of the school, and Chloe asks Pete to get her camera so that she can take a pic of those "cheating jockstraps." You'll make a fine journalist someday, Chloe. As Wonder Coach talks to his team, Clark asks Chloe how the players got that math midterm. Chloe -- who takes it upon herself to be a police investigator of all things -- says she's still working on figuring that one out. Somebody notices Chloe taking pictures with her big, clunky digital camera and throws a football straight for her face, just like I've been wanting to since Episode 1. Clark sticks out his hand and catches the football right in front of her, neat as you please. Pete says, "Nice catch." Chloe scolds Pete for not being mad that she was almost "assassinated." I'm sure Chloe must have some redeeming qualities somewhere underneath all that annoys me about her. Clark Bar throws the football back and, with a WHOOSH! sound effect, makes the football player clutch his stomach in pain as he catches the fast pigskin. Coach must have noticed, because as Clark walks off, he gives the boy a good, long, leering look. The kind of look that would make Lex Luthor jealous if he were around.

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