Episode Report Card
Omar G: B- | Grade It Now!
I'm Your Firestarter!

Outside the "Beanery," the worst name ever for a coffee house, Chloe, Pete, and Clark are walking down the street. Chloe says that cars don't just spontaneously combust. She says she has her headline: "Jockstrap saves principal from burning car." What is it with Chloe and jockstraps? Pete agrees with me. Chloe says she can't believe Clark's been blinded by the Friday Night Lights. Nice dig there, Chloe. Chloe says that next thing they know, she'll be joining the pompon brigade. Just then, Lana walks out in a waitress outfit, just like when Rachel wore one on Friends. I miss Gunther. Chloe gives Lana a hard time about waitresses. Jeez, cut the girl a break. She's working. She doesn't come to your school newspaper and take extraneous exclamation points out of your headlines. (There's a really funny heckler retort about coming to the heckler's job and slapping the dick out of his mouth, but I'm not vulgar enough to repeat it here.) "So you're a waitress for real?" Clark asks, without a trace of suavitude. Yes. Yes, she's a waitress. Clark asks where her necklace is. "No jewelry. No open-toed shoes," she says. She goes on about how she'll be great if she can learn the difference between a half-caf decaf and a non-fat latte. Coffee humor is so 1998. The three of them order coffee, even though it's like 10 at night. I really don't understand how people do that. I can't sleep all night if I have a Dr. Pepper at 2 PM. Clark goes over to Lana, bringing over a tray she left on a table. They talk about Lana quitting the cheerleading squad. She's wearing an awful lot of makeup for waitressing. Isn't she worried some of it will flake off and fall into the coffee? Lana says she's trying to break the vicious cycle of cheerleading. Clark asks about Jocko. Then he says it's strange that she quit the squad as soon as he joined the team. Lana invites Clark to visit her on the nights she's working. Just then, a scary head waitress -- who looks like Ms. Dipesto from Moonlighting gone to seed -- interrupts and tells Lana to get her bony ass back to work. Only without the "bony ass" part. "Clark Kent is a football player and Lana Lang is a waitress," Chloe muses. She can't believe it. She says she wants to click her heels and return to reality. You know she wants to mention Bizarro World, but she can't. Just then, a bunch of football players (they drink coffee?) get up to leave on the news that the coach has called a meeting, Pete just sits there, not knowing what's going on. Chloe grabs her ratty coat and follows the players. Lana spills a whole tray of coffee drinks and gets a round of applause. Clark shrugs and smiles at her. Gross.

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