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Omar G: B- | Grade It Now!
Shake, Shake, Shake!

Warning: there are no hugs to speak of in this episode, despite the episode's title. But there is a big smooch, some telling glances, and a damn lot of handshaking. Ready for some business-like affection?

We open on an exterior shot of a tall skyscraper, and we must assume that we're in hallowed Metropolis. Does anybody else get the willies when they see a stand-alone shot of a big city building like that? Glad it's not just me. Inside an office, we see a figure in a suit standing against a window, looking out. The guy's got a great mane of wavy hair, and for one shining moment, I think it's Lionel Luthor, he of the cover of Magnificent Bastard magazine. But when he turns around, it's this geeky, bearded, pseudo-Vincent D'Onofrio with glasses.

"Killer view," we hear a voice say, and when Pseudo-Vincent turns around, he sees a guy who looks like a younger, sharkier Chris Isaak. Pseudo-Vincent, despite the beard, looks about twenty years too young to be playing the role of a guy at an environmental protection office. When he speaks, it's like listening to a middle schooler try to do a scene from a comedy of manners. As Young Chris Isaak sits down in front of Pseudo-Vincent's desk, the exchange reveals that the EPA-type guy (Pseudo-Vincent) is mad at Young Chris Isaak for being a big, bad polluter. Young Chris Isaak wants to build a plant somewhere. A bottle sample shows muddy, urine-colored groundwater from the last town where Chris built a plant. What a wicked game this Pseudo-Vincent plays, to make this evil developer feel this way. Pseudo-Vincent resists the charms of Young Chris Isaak (whereas the real Chris Isaak seems to have everyone he comes across take their top off on his Showtime series), and pulls his head back, saying he's going to get a restraining order to keep Chris from developing in Smallville. Oh, yeah. Smallville. Almost forgot about that place. Young Chris Isaak says it's too bad, because the town of Smallville has a special place in his heart; it's kind of a heart-shaped world of a town for him. Pseudo-Vincent is still not impressed. I'm not impressed with his unstudied approach to acting. YCI asks if there's anything he can do to change P-V's mind. Pseudo-Vincent says he's not as easy to buy off as his colleagues are. YCI gets mad and says he's never bought off anyone; people always agree with him because he's always right. Like Jesus, I suppose, if you don't count the Romans. P-V whips out some info about poisonings caused by YCI's pesticide plants. Defeated (but not really), Young Chris Isaak says he appreciates Pseudo-Vincent D'Onofrio's candor, and offers his hand for a shake. Skeptical, Pseudo-Vincent takes it. When their hands meet, Young Chris takes the other man's hand in both of his, Bill Clinton-style. A light green glow surrounds their hand, as if they're holding someone's bracelet from a rave. Suddenly, Pseudo-Vincent is in a daze as Young Chris Isaak makes his sales pitch anew, calling P-V a "man of passion." Pseudo-Vincent has been hypno-handshaked! YCI starts talking about how hard P-V, works and how no one ever appreciates it. He's no Hannibal Lecter, but somehow, Young Chris has convinced P-V that life sucks, and that his life in particular is worthless. YCI shows P-V the skyline and asks if any part of the world is his. YCI picks a piece of lint off Pseudo-Vincent's shoulder and then leaves him to his hypno-depression.

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