Smallville
Hug

Episode Report Card
Omar G: B- | Grade It Now!
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Shake, Shake, Shake!

Downstairs, Young Chris Isaak gets into an elevator. He exits on the ground level and takes out his cell phone; before he talks, a body lands on a cab outside. Ooh, Young Chris Isaak did a bad, bad thing. He tells Tyler,the person on the line, to bring the car around. They're going to Smallville. Oh, and so are we! Opening credits.

Outside, a trail in an area with big, tall green trees. Boy, the seasons sure do move strangely in this town, huh? I could have sworn it was a snowy winter just a short while ago. And now there are huge trees in the middle of Kansas. Guess that's what happens when you put Kansas in Canada. Clark Kent -- the superhero with the rosy cheeks and eyeshadow -- Lana Lang -- his partner in bad makeup -- and flippy-haired Chloe are all riding horses. Chloe's having trouble with hers, complaining that, unlike a car, the horse doesn't have windshield wipers. If a horse had a windshield in the back, couldn't it use its tail? Her horse goes in circles while Clark and Lana (the latter of whom is wearing a virginal white parka) talk about Jocko Whitney, whose dad is still in the hospital getting his ticker worked on. They talk about how hard it is to run a family business (in Jocko's case, a store). Clark, like Jocko, doesn't want to run the business after high school. Lana asks what Clark wants to do after graduation. He says he doesn't know, but that he doesn't want to wear a suit and fly a lot. Oh, wait, I recognize this trail now. This is the famous Kansas Trail of Cheese! There! The signs and the trees and even the horses are all made of cheddary goodness! How did I miss that? Chloe drops her camera. She mentions it, but nobody stops. Clark asks why she brought it. She says she's not doing this "butt-bashing thing" for fun. (Somewhere in Lex Luthor Manor, the master's ears are burning like a psoriasis rash.) Chloe goes on to say that the woods are a Bermuda Triangle in Smallville, and that when people come out, they don't remember where they've been. Just then, we see an ominous stranger's point of view of the horseback riders. It's a creepy man! Lana and her horse trot back to retrieve the camera for Chloe. Chloe explains to Clark that, just a week ago, some pesticide factory developers came out of the woods screaming, not remembering what happened there. I wish Chloe's conspiracy theories would get lost in the woods. Clark asks Chloe what she thinks is going on. She blames Kyle, a guy who sells weird sculptures in town and lives alone in the woods. Clark compares the guy to Thoreau. Chloe compares him to the Unabomber. I'd like to compare the guy to the late Chris Farley's motivational speaker character, Matt Foley, who lived in a van down by the river. We miss you, Chris.

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Smallville

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