Episode Report Card
Omar G: B- | Grade It Now!
Shake, Shake, Shake!

Just then, Lana screams. Oh, what, did somebody pull the string in her back? Very lifelike, that scream. Clark turns, hops off the horse, and tells Chloe to watch the steeds. She "whoa whoa whoa whoa"s, trying to get them to stay in place. Clark turns to see if Chloe's looking. She's not, so he super-speeds it down the trail. Chloe turns, and Clark is nowhere to be seen. Where's your explanation for that, huh, Chloe?

Lana opens her eyes slightly, but it's a struggle, what with all that makeup weighing down her eyelids. Somebody's trying to shake her awake. We blurrily see, from her point of view, a rugged guy with lots of stubble; he looks a bit like Bo Duke. Lana gasps (at least according to my closed captioning. You can never tell whether she's breathing, gasping, sighing or what with this actress), and when Clark comes into view, he sees some creepy guy in a leather jacket shaking Lana. "Get away from her!" Clark yells. The guy runs off. Lana and Clark look around. Nobody's around. Clark picks up Chloe's camcorder. (Number of longing, lingering shots of Clark's ass riding the horse on Chloe's video? At least twelve, I'm guessing.)

Weird Twin Peaks moment. We're watching a replay of the woods scene as we pull back from a TV screen. Bo Duke and Clark are in the Kent home watching the video. Bo Duke asks Clark whether he knows what's going on in the video. Clark marks a circle and an X on the screen and says, "Well, here you have the I-formation, and you've got Emmitt Smith going up the middle, but then here comes the Packers defensive line and BOOM! He's on his back!" Wait, that was when Bo Duke asked John Madden what was going on. Back on Smallville, Clark is not as insightful; he doesn't know, but he thinks that, whoever the man was who was shaking Lana, he wasn't trying to hurt her. Maybe it was her acting coach, yelling, "Act, damn you, act!" MamaKent comes over with the black cordless phone. She was talking to Nell, and reports the news that Lana is fine and just has a mild concussion. John Madden would have picked up on that without calling. And, while we're here, why is it always MamaKent's job to call around town trying to resolve what just happened in the last scene? Is she a gossip, or something? MamaKent goes on the say that Nasty Nell, Lana's aunt, wants Clark to go to the police and say he saw the mysterious man spook Lana's horse and attack her. "That's not what I saw," Clark says. Yeah, he was probably using his x-ray vision to see squirrel testicles or something. Bo asks whether Clark thought that Kyle (the lone woodsman) seemed dangerous. Clark brings up Chloe's thoughts on visitors disappearing from the woods. MamaKent cracks what little whip she has and tells Bo to go talk to Boo, I mean "Kyle." Clark gets up and offers to go himself. Clark says it's not like Kyle Radley can hurt him. "That's not the point," Bo says. Well, what is, then? No answer. Instead, Clark says that he understands what it's like to be hidden from the world. Yeah, you're just like Anne Frank, Clark. Sure. Whatever. Bo looks to MamaKent. They acquiesce. He asks Clark whether he knows how to find Kyle Radley. "I'll just follow the trail of bad sculptures," Clark says. Yeah, like you have an artistic bone in your superbody, Mr. New York Times Review of Art. At the end of this scene, MamaKent smiles her strange puckery smile, and somewhere out there, Mr. Bean and Amélie are jealous.

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