Greetings from Washington, D.C. Smallville isn't any better on the east coast. A girl with curly blonde locks casts a spell on Clark at The Talon just as he's turning Lana down for sex again after a chaste date. The blonde has an ugly necklace with pick-up powers, and Clark's incredible, super-otherworldly powers are no match for...a cheap piece of prop jewelry, apparently. Clark is soon making out with her out in the alley in an homage to The Last Seduction, and he's just as pussy-whipped as Peter Berg was. Seductrash makes Clark break up with Lana, forcing him to invite the pink squirrel over while they're about to do it. Lana cries, convincingly, when Clark says he's in love with someone else. Turns out the girl is working for Lex because he's got some dirt on her, but decides she'd rather have Clark as her full-time lover than give up his secrets. Chloe, suspecting Krypto-weirdness, investigates and finds out that Seductrash is using her hypnotist father's jewel and that she probably killed him. Chloe saves the day when Seductrash tries to get Clark to kill Lex. A bullet from a fired gun smashes the jewel, and it wasn't very clear whether the girl was shot in the neck, but it sure looked like that happened. Score another death on Clark's watch! Clark decides that he's tired of breaking Lana's heart, so he tells her to her face that he doesn't love her and says that this is it. For reals. No joke. We mean it this time. It's over! Lana said so! How much you wanna bet they'll be schmooping at each other in the barn loft next week? It might be compelling if we hadn't stood in this exact spot dozens of times before. In the B-plot (which is actually much more interesting than the A), Professor SoFine resurfaces in Honduras amid a flesh-eating plague. Lex dons his Exotic Land Wear to chase him down. SoFine, going along with a tip Lex says he got, pretends to be a secret government agent and warns Lex of scary aliens coming to take over the earth. Lex is convinced that the spaceship is nearby. At the end, SoFine emerges from the black oil and becomes four SoFines. QuadFine! Awesome! The SoFines go look for human blood samples for some nefarious purpose.
We open at night (like a swanky bar!), with booted feet clomping through a forest or jungle. It's moist. There are flashlight beams mucking about. Is this The X-Files? Two fellows in hazmat suits with head-mounted lights are being oh-so-inconspicuous. Percussive music plays. A title card reads, "Sierra de la Botija, Honduras, Central America," which roughly translates to "Sierra of the Botija, Honduras, Central America." The hazmat suits are so fancy that they even have lights inside the hoods so that the awful face-sucking aliens can see what they're eating when they burst out of someone's chest and jump toward their second course. One of the hazmat guys -- we'll call him HazMatt -- is carrying a yellow case with a "Biohazard" logo. That band rocks! HazMatt stops and flashes a light toward a hut. "There's the hut," he says. HazMatt is master of the obvious. HazMatt's partner says he hopes word of the "evac order" made it out this far. Oh yeah, there's totally a DirecTV dish mounted on that straw and bamboo hut. No worries. The incredibly tense music proves that you can make two guys walking through mud interesting if you've got a good music director. The music goes, "Bum ba da dum DUM DUM! Dum ba da DUM DUM!" Taut! The HazDudes enter the hut. The music hits a mini-crescendo. "My God," says HazMatt. "Son of a bitch," says HazSteve. "Popcorn sounds good right now," says Omar, but he's at the airport and there's none around. The camera pans up the body of someone in bed. The face of the sleeper has blood dribbled all over it. And, immaturely, someone has drizzled a big blood moustache on the dead person's face. It's the fabled Bloody Sanchez! There are several other bloodied bodies lying about. HazMatt says that they should get blood samples, at least 10 ccs each. Why stop there? There's at least 20 just on the faces.
HazMatt and HazSteve get to work, collecting blood. HazMatt hopes they figure out a way to do this wirelessly in the future because, dude, this sucks. The music spikes (hee) as someone walks into the hut. It's Professor SoFine! Hot damn! Welcome back, you funky alien man. He's wearing a smart tan coat. HazMatt yells, "Hey! This is a quarantined hot zone! Get out!" Drink specials don't start until 11! It's dangerously off the chain! Tell all the ladies! Professor SoFine acts like he didn't hear them. HazMatt puts his gloved hand on the professor's shoulder (way to contain the quarantined area, ass) and asks if SoFine heard him. "You're exposing yourself to a deadly virus!" says HazMatt, hand still hilariously touching SoFine. SoFine turns, grabs the blood sample out of HazMatt's hand, and rips the hood off his biohazard suit. They really should have sprung for the non-Velcro versions of these suits. SoFine throws HazMatt so that he lands face-first in one of the yucky beds. HazMatt's not thrilled about that. He screams. His face starts bleeding immediately. HazSteve tries to run away. SoFine spikes him (hey, it's true) with the trick where he makes his finger into a steel pike. The pike goes right through HazSteve's head. Ouchie. HazMatt is seriously freaking out. SoFine's eyes go magenta and he does a slow turn, setting fire to the hut with his eyes. We see it go up in flames from outside. Wow, nice two-story hut there. Is the upstairs a den, or is that just where they put the flat-screen? SoFine looks around at his flaming handiwork. He eyes the blood sample, which reads "Biohazard" on the vial. SoFine zips out of the hut just as it explodes.