Tess employs one of Lex's old scientists to figure out what's up with that blue crystal. They accidentally set off a beacon and before you can say, "Bat signal," a hot redhead named Maxima from the planet Nissan, er, I mean, Almerac, shows up. She's on a manhunt, literally. She's looking for a good Kryptonian man to mate with. Know any big, dumb Krytponians you could suggest? Maxima kisses some random douchebag on the streets of Metropolis, thinking he summoned her. It does not end well: he dies of endorphin and adrenaline overload.
Clark and Lois investigate the case as a news story (random guy dies of a heart attack? Stop the presses!). Meanwhile, Tess herself gets a visit from Maxima. Due to some crossed signals and a dress Oliver sends Tess, Maxima thinks that Ollie is the Kryptonian she's supposed to meet. She goes to the Ace of Clubs to meet him, but since Oliver isn't in this episode, she finds Jimmy Olsen instead. Jimmy is feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment because soon after moving in with Chloe, he found a letter she wrote to Clark way back in Season Two professing her love for him. Jimmy is jealous and can't seem to get over Chloe's old flame. He falls for Maxima's charms and allows her to kiss him, resisting only a bit. Clark gets there in time to save Jimmy and finds out at the hospital that Chloe had even deeper feelings for him than he knew.
Maxima, who saw Clark saving Jimmy, finally finds her man. They make out in an elevator at The Daily Planet, all hot and heavy, until Lois catches them. Clark stops macking on his space booty call and goes after Lois, which Maxima doesn't take well. She tracks down Lois and throws her car. As police bear down on Maxima for a string of murders she committed on the way to finding Clark, she's peeved that Clark must have feelings for Lois. Clark tells Maxima he can't be with her, pulling her arm away. She disappears in a blaze of light, horny and unfulfilled as Clark goes, "Huh, guess she'll be back someday."
Chloe and Jimmy make up. Chloe uses the letter to somehow show that it prepared her to meet the perfect man. The perfect man that was sulking at a bar ready to kiss the first hot girl who showed any interest? Good luck with that, Chloe. Clark and Lois have awkward conversation about knowing when the perfect person comes into your life and it's barf-worthy. Clark thinks he can rebuild the Fortress and bring Jarnelle back. He employs Chloe's help. Tess had tried to convince Chloe to come work for her and unlock the secrets of the crystal with her big brain. Unfortunately, the crystal disappears before Clark and Chloe can get to it. Someone sends Tess an e-mail containing a picture of the crystal. They tell her that she's not ready yet. It's signed, "X."
Welcome back, space buckaroos. This episode's especially painful. Please wear your athletic supporters to avoid injury or to keep from catching any social diseases.
We open at the Castle Formerly Known as the Lair of Lex. The Fortress-spawning giant blue crystal has been placed on an oscillating chrome holder with a second wheel spinning above it. You can get one of these at Spencer Gifts for all your Krytonian artifact-spinning needs. In fact, a larger version is used at carnivals; they strap you in and you spin in all directions until you throw up your cotton candy and turkey leg. I think you can also mix paint with it. Anyhoo, Tess Mercer, Head Redhead In Charge, is already treating one of Lex's old scientists with complete disdain. The egghead Dr. Gruel (whose name reminds me of the infinitely more entertaining Dr. Steve Brule) is being grilled by Tess. She thinks Lex was fooled by his science fiction mumbo jumbo bullshit. Gruel, wearing a stuffy tie and glasses, is like, "Bitch, back off. I just found out what your crystal is made of. FACE!" Tess says she spent weeks trying to lure Lex's top scientist out of hiding. Looks like that went well. He doesn't even look too beaten up. Gruel, Mr. Science, steps forward toward the spinning contraption and says it's not of this planet. It's from the planet Shitty Novelty Gifts That Sit In The Closets of ADD-Afflicted 12-Year-Olds. He thinks it's an alien hard drive. Ooh, like this one? "You can't be serious," Tess says. I am serious. And don't call me Shirley. No! Shit! I did that wrong! Can we go back and do the scene again? You have to say "Surely you can't be serious." I can write it down for you if you like. Now... GO. Mr. Science says that he knows it's hard to accept, but an alien object is what the facts support. An alien hard drive? Not a mummy tape deck or a leprechaun iPod? Tess, angry and annoyed and not at all turned on by this guy, says that Lex disappeared in an arctic wasteland. She doesn't think he's lost in space. She warns Mr. Science to stick to his namesake, not the Eastern European derivation, Science-Fiction. She wants Lex found, dammit. Mr. Science, undaunted, says the crystal reacts to sonic vibrations. It also has a Clapper in case you want to turn off surrounding electrical items. Mr. Science wants to play a frequency generator. You know, just for fun. It drives the ladies wild. Tess cannot stop emasculating the dude. She says that for his sake, she hopes it works. Now get to work, little man. Mr. Science pushes a key on his laptop. The crystal starts spinning faster. Oh shits, you're voiding the warranty! There's a burst of energy from the crystal and then it shoots a bright blue beam of light toward the ceiling. Oh, YES! YES! This is the best crystal sex ever! Raisin' loads! We see an exterior shot of the mansion. The blue light has torn through the roof and reaches all the way to space. The crystal stops spinning and the light goes out. It's spent. Got a cigarette? Tess watches the crystal contraption slow down. "What just happened?" she asked. You just watched crystal porn. You're welcome. Mr. Science has no idea. What did he think was going to happen when he messed with a space hard drive? Did he think a sexy alien was going to pop out for his birthday?