Smallville

Episode Report Card
Omar G: D+ | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Space Girls Are Easy

A Metropolis street at night. We're zoomed in very close on a neon sign for "Adamson Prescriptions." We pan a bit to reveal a few storefronts. A yuppie douchebag is walking down the street, talking into his Bluetooth earpiece. He's telling someone that they knew the stock was crap, but that it's pump-and-dump time. YOU screwed up this economy! He tells the lackey on the phone to hype it, sell it, and make him a profit. Not to spoil it, but if this guy had lived through the next scene, he would have gotten a massive government bailout. Just as the douchebag starts losing his earpiece signal, the lights around him start to flicker, including the neon sign. Something like lightning flashes in a nearby alley, the same alley where we recently saw Davis sleeping. Yuppie Douchebag goes to investigate. We see in the alley some purple lightning which settles into a weird symbol on the pavement. From that symbol appears the blazing silhouette of a woman. Douchebag walks toward it and likes what he sees. He takes off his earpiece, even. It must be love. Suddenly, we see the woman standing there. She's got red hair, dark eye makeup and itty-bitty black leather shorts. Her top is a collection of leather lines strung together. She's also wearing heels, of course. Her whole outfit makes it look like her torso is Darth Vader's helmet. It really is pretty ridiculous and insulting, but then, do I need to remind you which show we're watching? The camera zooms in on her upper body. The leather outfit extends to a tight V wrapped around he neck. "I came when I saw your Kryptonian beacon," she says flatly. That must be one skilled Kryptonian beacon. HEY-OOOHHHH! She doesn't sound like she's from space. Hell, she doesn't even sound like she's ever been outside of Vancouver. Douchebag is like, "Yeah. Whatever you say." He is so in there! Nothing every goes wrong for these city douchebags! They both walk toward each other. "I'm Maxima. Queen of Almarac," she says. Isn't Scion gonna be pissed that they have a character named after a Nissan car? (I know, I know, comic book geeks. Please save the e-mails.) Douchebag is thinking, "Queen of Almarac? Well, I'm the Duke of Gimme Me a Blowjob, OHHH!" Maxima says she's been searching for him. "Well, here I am, baby," he says, all oily. They kiss. Ugh. Lots of open mouth. Did somebody order the tongue sandwich? I guess when you're a guest star on a CW show that you probably won't ever appear on again, you really throw your whole face into it. The kiss lasts an uncomfortably long time. We even switch angles in the middle of it and switch back. Douchebag takes a deep breath. He liked that. "What a rush," he says, "what'd you give me?" A herpes sore? She says it's a taste of things to come. They kiss some more. Suddenly, Douchebag starts to sputter. His nose is bleeding. Things are not going well on this blind date. He falls to his knees. "You lied to me!" Maxima tells him, "you're not Kryptonian!" Well, he didn't technically say he was. That's on you, Max. He asks what's happening. Maxima tells him he's dying because he's not the one she came for. He falls to his side. "But I will find him," she promises. And he will be wearing a blue Member's Only jacket, hopefully. Dramatic music. It's only going to get worse.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14Next

Smallville

Comments

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP