Smallville

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Omar G: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Space Girls Are Easy

Opening credits. Commercials. Kohl's is having a big sale! Oh, happy day!

Kent Farm, daytime. The cows are amazed they're still here. Weren't you supposed to sell the farm, Clark? We all thought we'd be living in lush cow penthouses by now. Are you even watering our grass anymore? Cow life sucks. Clark, wearing an untucked dark shirt and dress slacks, heads down the stairs. I guess he hasn't moved to an apartment in Metropolis. Was his whole speech about leaving the past behind just a bunch of the usual whiny Clark bullshit? Clark hears a scratching at the door. He opens it and there sits Shelby. He's been waiting to be let into the house for six months. "Ready for some breakfast, boy?" Clark asks. Dude. Six months I've been waiting. Get with the Alpo, already. Woof, motherfucker, WOOF! As he reaches for a can of dog food from the pantry (no dry food for this pooch), Clark says he still can't get used to living alone with the dog. Shelby whines. That's nice, Clark. FOOD. Open the fucking can. Clark reaches for an old-timey hand-crank can opener, but finds something else inside the kitchen drawer. It's a small box. Clark puts the can of dog food on the table. Uh, Clark? I haven't eaten since April. Could you please open the can and drop it down here? You know what, don't even open the can, just drop it and I'll gnaw it open with my teeth. Starving, man. Please put down the box. It's not going anywhere. Clark opens the box. Lana's necklace is in it. It is still faded to white from its previous Krypto-green state. Clark holds it up. JEWELRY? You have got to be kidding me. My doggie intestines are about to implode, and you're messing with a necklace? If I see Lana again I'm going to bite off her goddamned nose. ALPO! Come on, man! Shelby stares hungrily. Clark stares sadly at the big clunky costume jewel. The phone rings. FUCK! Hunger! Starvation! A dog has to eat! I'm calling the ASPCA on your ass! Clark answers his cell. It's Lois. At The Planet, Lois, wearing the tightest salmon-colored top you've ever seen, is walking down the stairs as she talks. She says she needs Clark and that already it's the day from Hell. It probably is if she needs Clark. Clark tells her he's flying into the building right now. He zips out of the kitchen at superspeed. Oh, HELLS no! You did not leave me here hungry, you dipshit alien! WOOF! WOOOOOOF! Shelby stares at the can of dog food. Is there a way to suffocate a super-strong alien in his sleep? I am not your dog, Clark. I'm running away to join the dog circus, asshole. Suddenly, Clark zips back into the scene. He puts down the bowl of dog food, already relieved of its can. Clark! You're awesome! I love you! You're the best! No hard feelings! Woof, Clark, woof! I'm your best friend forever! Shelby eats hungrily. Clark zips back out.

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Smallville

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