Welcome back, space buckaroos. This episode's especially painful. Please wear your athletic supporters to avoid injury or to keep from catching any social diseases.
We open at the Castle Formerly Known as the Lair of Lex. The Fortress-spawning giant blue crystal has been placed on an oscillating chrome holder with a second wheel spinning above it. You can get one of these at Spencer Gifts for all your Krytonian artifact-spinning needs. In fact, a larger version is used at carnivals; they strap you in and you spin in all directions until you throw up your cotton candy and turkey leg. I think you can also mix paint with it. Anyhoo, Tess Mercer, Head Redhead In Charge, is already treating one of Lex's old scientists with complete disdain. The egghead Dr. Gruel (whose name reminds me of the infinitely more entertaining Dr. Steve Brule) is being grilled by Tess. She thinks Lex was fooled by his science fiction mumbo jumbo bullshit. Gruel, wearing a stuffy tie and glasses, is like, "Bitch, back off. I just found out what your crystal is made of. FACE!" Tess says she spent weeks trying to lure Lex's top scientist out of hiding. Looks like that went well. He doesn't even look too beaten up. Gruel, Mr. Science, steps forward toward the spinning contraption and says it's not of this planet. It's from the planet Shitty Novelty Gifts That Sit In The Closets of ADD-Afflicted 12-Year-Olds. He thinks it's an alien hard drive. Ooh, like this one? "You can't be serious," Tess says. I am serious. And don't call me Shirley. No! Shit! I did that wrong! Can we go back and do the scene again? You have to say "Surely you can't be serious." I can write it down for you if you like. Now... GO. Mr. Science says that he knows it's hard to accept, but an alien object is what the facts support. An alien hard drive? Not a mummy tape deck or a leprechaun iPod? Tess, angry and annoyed and not at all turned on by this guy, says that Lex disappeared in an arctic wasteland. She doesn't think he's lost in space. She warns Mr. Science to stick to his namesake, not the Eastern European derivation, Science-Fiction. She wants Lex found, dammit. Mr. Science, undaunted, says the crystal reacts to sonic vibrations. It also has a Clapper in case you want to turn off surrounding electrical items. Mr. Science wants to play a frequency generator. You know, just for fun. It drives the ladies wild. Tess cannot stop emasculating the dude. She says that for his sake, she hopes it works. Now get to work, little man. Mr. Science pushes a key on his laptop. The crystal starts spinning faster. Oh shits, you're voiding the warranty! There's a burst of energy from the crystal and then it shoots a bright blue beam of light toward the ceiling. Oh, YES! YES! This is the best crystal sex ever! Raisin' loads! We see an exterior shot of the mansion. The blue light has torn through the roof and reaches all the way to space. The crystal stops spinning and the light goes out. It's spent. Got a cigarette? Tess watches the crystal contraption slow down. "What just happened?" she asked. You just watched crystal porn. You're welcome. Mr. Science has no idea. What did he think was going to happen when he messed with a space hard drive? Did he think a sexy alien was going to pop out for his birthday?