Smallville
Jinx

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Mxzyptlkmatosis

Are you ready for some FOOTBALL!? Shit, I sure hope so because there's a lot of it in this episode.

We open on a Wilson football, sitting on a tee waiting to be kicked. KICK! Folks in the stands cheer as the Smallville Crows receive a kickoff on a cool, sunny day. A helpful announcer tells the crowd that the winner of this game will go on to the state championship in one week. The Creative Sign Brigade is back in full force this week with small signs that read, "Caw Caw!" and "EAT CROW." I prefer the Tom Servo myself: less stringy. Quick view of the crowd, where Lana Lang sits near the front and MamaKent and Bo Duke cheer from a few rows higher. Clark Kent, recent body-switcher and all around pain in the ass, gets up from the bench and prepares to go on the field. "Play your game," says Assistant Coach Jason Teague. Dude, no! He's gonna try to slam dunk and play goalie out there! Clark's game is a crazy amalgam of imaginary farm sports, and I don't think any of these dudes know how to play Kick the Cow. Jason looks horrified at what may happen.

Stadium hallway. Intrepid reporter Chloe Sullivan is apparently buying drugs in an ABC Afterschool Special. On the loudspeaker in the background, we hear that the cheerleading squad is going to nationals. Let's see that episode! Chloe sidles up next to some shadowy guy standing in the cavernous hall. "So," she says, "are you the guy?" Well, maybe not the guy. A guy, certainly. One of the guys. But the guy? That's sort of a tall order. In a strangled Russian accent, the guy says, "It depends on what you're looking for." In America, you look for things. In Russia, things look for you! I got a million of these, people. Chloe tries to pronounce his name: "Mikhail Mxyzpt..." He corrects her: "Mxyzptlk. Let me guess: You want to buy a vowel." Chloe tells Sir Mxyz-A-Lot that she wants to put $80 on the game. Mxyz says he doesn't take bets after a game has started. Just so you know, Sir Mxyz-A-Lot narrowly beat out "Bookie Nights" as Mxyzptlk's name this week. Chloe is dejected that she can't gamble. "Rookie, huh?" asks Sir Mxyz. He offers to make an exception. Chloe smiles. Betting is fun! She gives him the money and tells him she wants to bet on Smallville. Sir Mxyz-A-Lot asks if she's sure about that; he has a funny feeling about the quarterback. In Russia, quarterback feel you up, funny! Yeah, maybe that Yakov Smirnoff American-to-Russian-joke thing doesn't always work. Chloe says that, as much as she hates to admit it, she never bets against Clark Kent. Also, always bet on black! Do you like coffee? Always drink it black! Like The Stones? Download "Paint it Black"! I seem to be in repetitious humor mode this week. I apologize for that. And, also, I apologize for that. Sir Mxyz tells Chloe rule #1 about gambling: "A bet is a bet." Huh. Chloe walks off before he can get to rule #2, which is, "How you like my CRAZY Russian accent?" Chloe walks down the hall, and we're treated to an extended ass shot. Ack! Crazy close-up on Sir Mxyz, too. I like the ass better.

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