Episode Report Card
Omar G: C+ | Grade It Now!

Out on the field: Ten seconds left. Crows are down 24-21 with the ball on the 40-yard-line. It's 4th and 10. Yawn, I'm bored just writing all this out. Bo and MamaKent are excited. Clark and his huddle break. They're playing a team called the Blues. That's the Kerry team. I have a feeling the red team is going to win this year by going down the middle. Just noticed that the Crows uniforms all have little LuthorCorp logos just north of each player's heart. Awww, Lex. In the stands, Chloe and Lana are cheering. Chloe's wearing a very becoming red jacket. Lana is still sporting black -- this time a creepy trenchcoat like the one I used to wear in high school. Sir Mxyz is sitting right down the row from them. Rock music rollicks as Clark hikes the ball. He fakes a handoff. One of the running backs gets flipped over. Clark pitches the ball to another back, and they run toward the goal line. "Fumble," mumbles Sir Mxyz-A-Lot from the stands. The running back does, dropping the ball. "Ohhhh!" the crowd says. One girl is totally smiling even though her team is about to lose. Clark Kent picks up the fumble -- not the first time he's bent over to tend to some loose balls -- and runs toward the goal in slow motion. Bo and MamaKent stand up. "Trip," Mxyz says, looking angry at this revoltin' turn of events. Clark suddenly trips hilariously in slow motion. Hey, did you find that trip on Orbitz? Hee hee. Clark barrels into the chest of a Blues tackler. They both fall hard. Clark, though, was lucky enough to fall right into the end zone. "All right!" Clark thinks, "a hat trick!" Chloe and Lana cheer. Jason Teague does, too. Sir Mxyz-A-Lot stays sitting, looking pissed. MamaKent cheers while Bo looks concerned. The Crows win! Again! How can they do it when their quarterback is an alien with Superman powers? Unbelievable! The Crows players gather in the field to celebrate while an overhead shot shows us that the Blues player Clark ran into isn't getting up. Dramatic music plays. Bo still looks concerned and constipated. Damn all that cheese! Clark (#8), Jason and Random Red-Shirt Ensign Player watch with worry. A Blues player looks at Clark angrily. Clark thinks, "Does this mean the guy gets a free-throw?"

Credits! It's still Remy Zero. You're not missing much by skipping them.

Commercials. This show brought to you by Old Spice: Red Zone. Old Spice: "We're not just for smelling like your grandpa anymore."

Smallville Medical Center. Noooooo! All right, I kind of missed this place. A little. The way you sort of miss cutting lines into your arms when you're a molested anorexic teenage girl who's really into Elizabeth Wurtzel and they put you in the head clinic. It's nighttime. The beefy Blues player is being fitted with an arm sling. He seems to be doing all right. Clark gets out of an elevator and runs into Jason, who tells him that the guy's collarbone is broken in two places. Now, I'm not sports doctor, but should the guy be sitting up and with no neck support if that's true? It looks like he sprained his elbow is all. Jason asks Clark how he shattered the collarbone of a guy who outweighs him by a hundred pounds. First of all, the guy on the table looks a lot shorter than Clark and doesn't look like he weighs more than twenty or thirty pounds more than Clark does. Secondly, did you see how fast Clark was going? I don't care what you weigh: the momentum when you hit someone like that can hurt a fella, whether you're superpowered or not. Thus concludes this week's Omar's Thoughts from the Real World. We now return you to your serialized fictional weekly show. Clark explains that it must have been a surge of adrenaline. From space. Jason isn't buying that. He also wonders how Clark started throwing sixty-yard passes overnight. Soloflex? I hear if you're a fifty-year-old grandma, Soloflex can turn you smokin' hot. Jason also points out that Clark refused to see a doctor when he collapsed a few weeks ago. "What are you trying to say?" Clark asks. Jason says that Coach Quigley (who just returned from being Down Under and boy is he jet-lagged. Heh, that joke never gets old. To me, at least) thinks Clark might be taking performance-enhancing drugs. Like Viagra? "Like steroids?" Clark asks. He can't believe it. He asks what Jason thinks. Jason says he likes to think that Clark wouldn't do that, and he told Quigley the same by vouching for his quarterback. But, Jason notes, it would suck to forfeit an entire championship season. It would suck on an epic, championship level. It would also end a college career. This is Jason's subtle way of saying he doesn't think Clark is exactly going to score a Rhodes scholarship on his own. Jason exits. Clark is left to be the creepy voyeur to the Blues player's pain. Hey, Blues dude: nice MILF.

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