Smallville

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Tippi Blevins: B- | Grade It Now!
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You Kent Go Home Again

At the farm -- their farm -- a sinister wind is blowing. You can usually tell the difference between a normal wind and a sinister wind because the latter has dead leaves caught up in it. Also, it's accompanied by some sinister music. In the barn, the overhead fixtures begin to sway. There's a flash of light and then a man in a dark suit appears, clutching a Kryptonian mirror box in one hand. As he slides open the barn door, his branded wrist comes into view. Clark Luthor looks out over this tableau of farm-fresh goodness and gives it the barest of smiles. "Home sweet home," he says. Somebody save... well, there's nobody to save yet. Try again later, Remy Zero.

After that teaser, everything is sunny and happy at the farm. Lois, having stopped by for a fresh change of clothes, is soon surprised by the appearance of an aggressively cheerful real-estate agent on the doorstep. This lady with the permanent grin and sing-song voice introduces herself as Marge Manners and promptly renders her name ironic by barging inside without an invite. She finds the house quite charming and seems eager to sell, sell, sell! In an effort to downplay the house's saleability, Lois points out all the house's flaws, like the sooty fireplace and rickety stairs, but Miss Manners is undeterred. As soon as the agent has disappeared upstairs, Lois mutters to herself, "Clark Kent, if I weren't already late I'd kick your bulletproof ass right now."

Speaking of that bulletproof ass, it's currently speeding its way to Smallville along with the rest of Clark's anatomy. He slows to a walk when he gets to the barn and tells his mom on the phone that he's thankful for the farm and say hi to Conner. As he hangs up, he notices that his loft is in disarray. Clothes have been strewn about the couch, books tilt over each other like fallen dominoes and his knickknack trunk is wide open. His face goes worried. If someone's stolen his porn stash, so help him... He glances around some more and sees the mirror box sitting on the corner of his old desk. Why they call it a box when it looks like a big metallic suppository is a mystery. Clark picks it up. The symbols are out of alignment. "Talk about nature versus nurture," Clark Luthor says, walking up behind him. Actually, please don't talk about it. This show can't decide what side it's on, and it's just headache territory all around. "I'm assuming you destroyed yours," Luthor says. "That explains why we didn't switch places." He fiddles with his pinky ring while Clark gapes at him. "Seems that makes this a one-way trip," he goes on to say. He rushes out of the room at super-speed. Clark--our Clark--looks down at his hands where the mirror box's symbols have now been properly aligned. Did Clark Luthor zip over and twist the box or did Clark Kent panic at the sight of his other self super-speeding by him? The staging of the scene isn't really clear. Either way, it's not a great testimony to Kent's intelligence or quick thinking. He's instantly consumed by crackling light and vanishes into thin air. If the alternate universe has dictionaries, he should really make it a priority to find out what "one-way" means.

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Smallville

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