Episode Report Card
Omar G: C+ | Grade It Now!
Harvey Wallgangers

Holy crap! It's the General Lee!

I'm sorry. Let me take a moment to collect myself. Episode. Starting. Smallville. Deep breaths.

Holy crap! The General Lee!

Okay. I'm better now. We open in the rain staring at a headlight of...are you ready for this? The General Lee! Okay, maybe it's not the General Lee, but it sure looks like it. Very loud rock music the name of which I won't bother to look up because it's not very good is blaring. Inside the car are a bunch of young toughs who would have been called "a bunch of those hooligan boys" by the father of one of my best friends. The car's a-rockin', and they're all wearing hooligan hood hats. The lights go off at the front of the car and inside they're pumping each other up. One of them tells the others to "leave it on the floor." Their shoes? Then another of them says they have fifteen minutes, tops. This is going to be the shortest orgy ever. One of the boys removes a prosthetic arm, taking it out of his long-sleeved shirt. Okay, now this is really going to be the shortest orgy ever. The three toughs finally feel sufficiently pumped, but instead of hopping all over each other, they exit the car and run off somewhere out of frame as lightning flashes. They do so while hooting.

Fuzzy sorta-Lex image. We're looking at an image on a videocamera viewfinder, but before it sharpens into a very monochromatic image of Lex Luthor, it looks all fuzzy and blobby. For one scary moment, he looks like Uncle Fester. We see Chloe sitting in a chair, on the other side of Lex's office desk. Chloe asks Clark if he's ready now. Clark says he forgot to press the "Record" button. Lex looks down and gives a little smile, as if to say, "Oh, that's just my silly man over there." Chloe jumps right into reporter mode, breaking Lex out of his little Clark daydream. She asks if there are any other secret projects at LuthorCorp like "Level 3" from back in "Jitters." (Which conveniently airs as the next rerun.) She calls Lex "Mr. Luthor," and Lex asks that she call him "Lex." "Okay, Lex, you gonna answer my question?" she says, deadpan. While Chloe's delivery is flawless, she's forgetting that it's best to butter up your sources first before you go for the kill. That way, if you offend them with your combativeness, you've at least got all the interview leading up to that point to write your story. Ah, young Chloe. She'll learn soon enough. Clark tries to stop Chloe in a display of protectiveness. Lex calls back his bitch and says it's okay. And that our critics are our friends because they show us our faults. You hear that, Tom Green? You and Tom Shales should be friends. Chloe correctly identifies the critic proverb as coming from Benjamin Franklin. Just then, a servant of Lex's -- who is neither Manservant Enrique nor that crazy-ass stalker family that worked for the Luthors in "Shimmer" -- walks in. It's a very dark black man in a very dark suit who looks like he has a Secret Service line coming out of his ear. He tells Lex that he has a very important phone call from Lionel Luthor. Lex says he'll take the call in the conservatory. With Professor Plum. He gives Chloe an all-consuming gaze and tells her he looks forward to resuming their "verbal judo." Clark gets jealous until he realizes that he gets "bedroom judo" with Lex. Chloe smiles a little. So does Lex.

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