Episode Report Card
Omar G: C+ | Grade It Now!
Harvey Wallgangers

The somewhat General Lee arrives at Hooligan Headquarters. Jocko's mad that the guys didn't tell him what he was getting into. The Hooligans assure their bro that everything is cool and that Lex is scared hairless and continue to assert their dangerous peer pressure. Then they woof a lot in his face. Channel Flipper says, by way of justification, that Jocko just had a case of pre-game jitters. Nice how they worked in an episode title like that. Dumb-ass Slang Thug tries to badmouth Jocko discreetly, but he says it so loud that cats in the next county can hear the echo. Channel Flipper says that they're burning up (he throws in a gratuitous "bro"), and that they can't just keep "tattin'" up. They need Jocko as fresh meat. And not just for the easy sex. And two more "bro"s to bro on.

Clark and Lex are in the Lexmobile. Clark gets out a little quickly, as if maybe he was a little uncomfortable with Lex's stick-shift handling. Clark asks what Lex was doing with "those guys." I see a green-eyed doe, and its name is "Clark's jealousy." Lex explains about the blackmailing. Clark asks what was on Lex's disk. Did he mean to say "disk"? Lex says it's confidential stuff. Online subscriptions to Inches magazine, a multimedia Flash file of song lyrics from La Cage, some fondue recipes... Lex turns the tables and asks what Clark was doing there. Clark says he was following those guys and trying to help Jocko. Out of his pants. Lex asks if it's because of Chloe. Clark doesn't answer. Lex says that Clark can't save everyone -- he'll just end up with a Messiah complex and a lot of enemies. "I saved you, didn't I? And that turned out all right," Clark says. Boy, howdy, did it! Clark asks Lex what his next move is. Lex thinks, "Second base," but says that he's going to teach those hooligans what they get when they mess with Lex Luthor. And then Lex basically says that as far as he's concerned, Jocko's on his own.

Chloe's blinding hospital room. Clark walks in on Pete and Chloe and asks why Pete didn't meet Clark at The Torch. Pete says that he talked to Chloe on the phone and she insisted they meet there. Chloe goes on a little funny rant about how all the rest is driving her insane and how much she hates hospitals. If you've seen this health-care industry rant, you can save yourself the pain of going to see John Q. Clark listens to Chloe's rant about hospital Jell-O and says, "Those fascists." At that moment, Clark is very fey and entertaining -- a latter-day Rip Taylor, minus the confetti. Chloe reveals that Pete hijacked a phone line for her to surf the net and solve this week's Krypto-Villain Mystery. You can knock her down, but she gets back up again, ladies and gentlemen. That's our Chloe. Chloe has figured out the tattoos, but has made the extra leap that the kryptonite has sped up the hooligans' metabolisms to speed up their molecules and help them walk through walls. That happens all the time when people get hooked on Dexatrim. They just randomly start breaking the laws of physics and become Disparate Molecule Beings. It's very sad. They did a whole Dateline on it. The lame drug metaphor continues with Clark and Chloe discussing molecule shifting as "The Ultimate Rush." You know, we do have doors and windows in this life. I wouldn't make wall-walking the poster boy for the ultimate dream just yet.

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