Episode Report Card
Omar G: C+ | Grade It Now!
Harvey Wallgangers

Lex and Lana walking down the stairs inside the dilapidated Talon. She. Won't. Shut. Up. About her childhood memories of being eighth-row center at the theater where the problems of the outside world just disappeared. Didn't her parents get smooshed right outside the theater? "It's like being transported to a magical place," Lana finishes, to a very unimpressed Lex. A magical place? Like the empty, poppy flower landscape inside her skull? Lex asks Lana why the theater is really so important to her. Could it be...her PARENTS? It is. Lex asks if he's supposed to preserve this monument to "Lana Lang's sentimental memories." Ha. Go Lex. He adds, "You're a teenager, Lana. Mercurial doesn't do you justice." Lana tries to look angry, but instead she smiles and tries to figure out what "mercurial" means. "I thought you'd understand," she mopes. Lex says it's business. "This town needs a parking garage," he says. Lana asks if he's going ahead with his plans. Lex says she hasn't given him a reason not to, and excuses himself. Lana goes all "whatever" with her body language and lets him pass. Maybe she could get the Neutrogena folks to open up a Bath and Body Works.

The Department Store of Fordmantude. Jocko is at a counter wearing dark sunglasses like his ass would ever come close to Tom Cruise in Risky Business. Keep dreaming, Jocko. Clark goes up to Jocko asking if he's got a minute. Jocko pretends he's busy, but Clark goes ahead and asks about the guy buying shoes the day before. Clark grabs Jocko by the arm as Jocko walks away, telling him this is serious. "Ow, take it easy!" Jocko says. He pulls up his sleeve, and there's a fresh symmetric vagina-looking tattoo on his bicep. Clark asks where he got it. Notice Clark doesn't feel any kryptonite effects here. BE THE SCRIPT! BE THE SCRIPT! Jocko gives him the "nuneya." "Did those guys give it to you?" Clark asks. Jocko calls Clark out: he says Clark's always trying to steal Lana; now he wants to be her personal Boy Scout. Well, yeah, except they don't allow gays in the Boy Scouts. Clark tells Jocko to stay away from those guys. Jocko tells Clark to piss off, in about so many words. A woman walks by in the background, just to let us know this is an actual operating store.

Kent Farm. The Barn of Tense Homoerotitude. Lana goes up the rickety wood stairs to find Clark. She says she got Clark's call. He asks whether she's seen Jocko today. Hey, when did Clark get frilly white curtains? Lex must have helped him decorate. Whiny Lana complains that she's trying to help Jocko, but he keeps pushing her away. She almost cries. Poor you. Clark spills the beans about the lost scholarship. Lana is shocked. She thanks Clark for telling her. Lana says Clark is a good friend. Clark says he raided The Torch and found Jocko's new friends in an old yearbook. Channel Flipper looks exactly the same as in his photo. I guess that kryptonite has kept him young. Clark explains that they had their futures taken away just like Jocko because of drugs and injuries. It's like they already got in the NFL, had careers, and stumbled out. Lana blah blahs and concludes that there's more to Jocko than football. His jackets, for instance. She, of course, makes the situation about her and segues into a full-on whine about Lex Luthor and his plans for parking-lot domination. Clark says that maybe Lex's rejection was actually a challenge. Lana says that her first challenge is to help Jocko. Clark says he'll take care of that. "Clark, why are you doing this?" she asks for maybe the tenth time this season. Clark says he couldn't stop what happened to Chloe, but that there's a chance for Jocko. Careful there, Clark. Don't spend all of Bo's platitudes in one place.

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