Episode Report Card
Omar G: D+ | Grade It Now!
Going To The Dogs In More Ways Than One

Roger: ...but a terrible actor.
Omar: I think he's fine. He's a cute dog.
Roger: He's all pretty fur and eyes, fool. That dog wouldn't know Method if it came up and bit him in the tail. Which, in fact, I did on set. We had a few run-ins.
Omar: I guess I didn't really notice the deep layers and subtleties in your performance.
Roger: Are you making fun of me? Keep it up, biped.

The Talon at night. Jane Seymour, still in her Siberian Husky coat, is telling Jason, "I want you to leave with me tonight." Why...Mom...that's so...nasty. Jason hears my subtext, but says only "What?" Jason asks if it's because of the Countess. Jane looks away. "You know that name, don't you?" he asks. Didn't we establish that, like, ages ago? Gahhhh! Who cares about this storyline? It's freakin' BORING! All this talk about Countesses and tattoos and ancient witches and stupid maps. This is a show about Superman HOW? It's like they took everything that was pointless and boring about Lana, stuck it in a pot with some soil, watered and put it out in the sun, and grew another fucking boring and pointless chunk of the show about Lana, a horrible, four-legged baby with no teeth and a stink that would knock you to sleep! Jesus!

Anyway, Jane asks if that's what Lex has Jason doing -- researching witches. Jason tells his mom she's incapable of giving straight answers. Now he's working for a man who's incapable of giving straight glances. Jason says that when the Countess died, she vowed to get revenge through one of her descendants, Lana. She did? I thought we saw her die. I don't remember that vow. "You knew that, didn't you?" Jason asks his mom. Jason says she had him take Lana to the tomb because if she received the tattoo, they'd know she was "The One." What if they never took her to the tomb and she never was aware of the Countess and she lived her whole life oblivious and without getting revenge? What about that plan? Jason says it's now his fault that things are happening to Lana. Jane tries to touch his hand and tell him not to blame himself. He takes his hand away and stands, asking how his mother could use him like that. She tells him he's not safe in Smallville. "Well, I'm not leaving Lana," says Jason. Because the sex is so great. Oops! There is no sex. Because she's an awesome girl who completely trusts him. Wait, that's not true either. She's a snappy dresser? No? Nice skin? All right, we'll give her that. Jason must be in it for the Neutrogena. Jane says he may change his mind when he hears the rest of the story. Cue Paul Harvey. Jane says that the person who condemned Countess Thoreaux was a woman named Gertrude. The Countess vowed to wipe out all of Gertrude's heirs. Now listen very careful to Jane Seymour: "We're Gertrude's ancestors, Jason," she says. OOPS! That's pretty bad, folks. Maybe they're going backwards in time, like Memento. Or maybe there's so much incest in that family they've actually managed to completely reverse their lineage. Or progeny. I forget which one. "So you think that Lana's going to kill you?" Jason asks. No, weren't you listening? She's going to go back in time and kill your descendants! Jane says no. The Countess will, and who knows when she'll return. She's returning? Oh, fuck a stick in the Canadian forest. Jason says he's not leaving Lana again. "Then you're in love with a girl who may kill our entire family," Jane Seymour says. Well, you've got nothing to worry about then. You're an ancestor, long dead and buried. Upstairs at The Talon, Lana spies the conversation. Instead of going downstairs to see what's up or saying, "Hey, y'all! I'm up here!" she chooses to seethe privately about thecrets and lieth instead. In the privathy of her own aparthment.

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