Smallville
Labyrinth

Episode Report Card
Omar G: C+ | Grade It Now!
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These Nuts

Opening credits. Have you noticed how many commercials lately are set in boring offices?

Same scene, continued. Clark is now in a cell, and he's got his hands on the metal grating, yelling that he doesn't belong there. He's a creep. He's a weirdo. Outside Clark's cell, random scruffy patients wander around. "I'm not crazy!" Clark mutters to himself. "Gah!" There's a little tiny bed in the room that doesn't look like it would hold tall Clark at all. An orderly/guard in the hall tells Clark to back away from the door. It opens. Clark dives for the exit, but the orderly easily holds him back, and Clark lands on the floor. Unwisely, the doctor comes right in. I hope they had enough money in the tweed budget for this guy's costume. Clark asks how he got here. "Think," Dr. Accent says. Hey, doc? You don't know Clark very well, do you? Dr. Accent seems to think that Clark knows how he got to this point. But why don't you tell us yourself, just for convenience? The camera zooms in on Clark's face as he says that something attacked him; he dramatically asks, "Is this 33.1?" No, it's 45 rpm and you're jammin' to the oldies! The doctor looks frustrated.

Clark looks out through the door and mutters, "It's Lex. He's always wanted to get me under his microscope." Oh really? What's does his scope look like? ["I didn't think there was anything 'micro' about it, either." -- Wing Chun] The doctor says that Lex is part of the fantasy world Clark has created. Indeed. Do go on. The doctor says that Clark experienced a psychotic break. Damn, those happen quite a lot around here. Clark thinks the doc wants him to think he's crazy. "I would prefer not to use pejoratives," says the doctor, "you crazy-ass nutbar deluxe." The doc levels the diagnosis on Clark: he's got paranoid schizophrenia, and has had it for a number of years. Thundering booms beef up the soundtrack. "After the death of your birth parents in the Smallville meteor shower..." the doctor begins. Clark says that his parents were out of town for the meteor shower. The doc says that Clark was placed in the wonderful adoptive home of the Kents, where he would be bathed in love and platitudes, and given all the unpasteurized milk he could drink. The doc says that Clark created a fantasy world to deal with the trauma. Another planet. Special powers. Saving the world. It was pretty fucked up, man. Clark says that this isn't going to work. Not this trickery, you fiend. Dr. Accent says that the fantasy world wasn't such a big deal until Clark was a freshman in high school, and slipped into that world permanently. "If you're gonna play mind games, you gotta try harder," Clark tells him. Yeah, you got to get up pretty early to put a mind game over on Clark! Set your alarm! 10:30 AM, man! The doctor says that this isn't a game; Clark is sick and getting worse. The doc says the good news is that he's developed a new treatment that will cure Clark. Oh, well that sounds great, doc, just -- WHAAA!?! That sounds easy! Clark tells the doc to warn Lex that he's not buying it. "Lex is not your nemesis," Dr. Accent tells him. Lex is your nemesex! Dr. Accent says that 33.1 doesn't exist. He adds that, for the past five and a half years, Clark's been a resident of the Fairview Psychiatric Hospital. Also, they think he might be gay. No cure for that, sorry. As the camera slowly rolls in, the doc says that everything about Clark -- his alien lineage, his secret identity, his penchant for lavender-scented bath oils -- is a delusion. Nooooo! Wait...yes! That sounds perfectly plausible. And I've been recapping all these delusions for nothing. DAMMIT! Now I gotta give all this mad cash back. How much is a flight to South America, ya think? The doctor walks away on that dramatic note, knocking on the door to be let out. No "shave an a haircut"? The doctor exits. Funky booming noises play as we transition to the next scene.

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