We see a flashback to Krypton, which looks a lot like an Iron Maiden album cover. Kara remembers being sent to Earth by her father, the splendoriffic Zor-El (Actor!). While dreaming of better, more apocalyptic times, a floating Kara is nearly clipped by a passing jet in the Washington, DC sky. She's trying to track down her crystal, and does it by seducing the dorkiest scientist to ever grace The CW. They don't go all the way (well, she doesn't, anyway), but Kara does learn the location of the secret lab where they're doing experiments on her giant blue dildo-like crystal. Unfortunately, Agent Carter from the Department of Domestic Unnecessary Eyeliner captures Kara with a Kryptonite brace of his own invention. He ties her up like all evil men would like to and makes her remember Krypton. She remembers Clark's mother, Lara, who looks an awful lot like Helen Slater. Back before Krypton a'sploded, Lara took Kara on some sort of crazy physical mind trip to the Kent Farm to see where Clark would one day grow up. Kara even took a Polaroid picture of Lara to leave behind. The spectral flights from Krypton to Kansas must be cheap, because soon Zor-El is there, bitching out Kara and professing his evil, undying, actorly love for Lara. He even took some of her DNA, he loves her so much. Lara, pregnant with Clark, pushes him away, and Kara discovers that her dad is fairly scummy. But, boy can he act! Clark finds Kara and rescues her from Agent Carter, but also absorbs some of those memories. He and Kara make up and agree to be Best Super Cousins Ever! Meanwhile, Kara and Jimmy are pretty much dating, much to Chloe's disappointment. Lana opens up a weird free clinic for the Krypto-afflicted, and Chloe finds out about it. Sneaky Lana tries to convince Chloe that it's just a little project she's doing, no big deal, but Chloe thinks she's lying. Clark goes to see Papa Luthor and gives him a hug (weird). He lies to Papa Luthor about Kara's origins, however. Papa has pretty much figured it out, though, and he confronts Lex about his myriad obsessions with the people in Clark's life. It's not pretty. And lastly, Clark confesses to Lana that he's already found the crystal, which, it turns out, houses his mother's DNA. So...awesome. Are you gonna clone her, now? Just learn how to do your own laundry, man. It's not worth the ethical implications!
We open on Krypton. Damn, this planet sucks! There are at least two suns in the sky (hello, SPF 5000) and missiles flying across the sky. We see a sunset on the horizon and a fortress of some sort where the design aesthetic was "Mid-Century Porcupine." It's the kind of thing some teenager weaned on Iron Maiden and Judas Priest might paint. With an airbrush. At the mall for a T-shirt. I think when your planet starts to look like this, you're better off just letting it explode. Inside the orange-tinged Fortress of Crapitude, what looks like a wizard in dark robes is leading a young lady by the hand as shit falls apart around them. It's Young Gay Dumbledore! Oh, wait, it's Kara wearing white robes, asking her father, in the dark robes, not to send her away. Zor-El (¡Olé!) tells her this is the only way. She'll be safer on Earth, since this planet is going to Hell in a crystal-spiked handbasket. Kara bitches that it takes three years to get to Earth. And no frequent-flyer miles, even.
Zor-El passes what looks like a doorway leading to a vast ocean. He says that the council has destroyed all the portals so that General Zod and his soldiers wouldn't escape. Kara asks what'll happen if she never sees her dad again. We hear an explosion and Zor-El waggles his body backward to emphasize the seismic shockwave. Kara does not. Big chunks of boulders fall. In a crystal structure. Nice one, Smallville. Zor-El, somehow in possession of ham on a planet with no pigs, says, "You must trust my wisdom!" My wisdom is fuckin' interstellar! Use it. Kara says everything and everyone she loves is here on Krypton. Zor-El presents her with a giant blue crystal dildo. He had been saving it for her wedding night, but that's all ruined now. He says this crystal is Kara's way back to them. As long as she has it, the world she knows and loves will always be safe. It glows a little as he hands it to her. She asks why Zor-El can't come with her. If you shake it, there's snowflakes. He says he has to stay here to protect Kandor. Speaking of candor, this really sucks. By the way, nice job protecting Kandor, Zor-El. Real bang-up job you did. Remind me never to leave you in charge of protecting anything. Unless I want it to blow up. Heck of a job there, Zor-y. Zor-El, speeding up his speech, says the crystal will tell her what to do when she rescues her cousin Kal-El. "I don't want to go!" Kara says. Zor-El puts his hand on her face and says that a true Kryptonian embraces his destiny no matter what. I think we have yet to see a Kryptonian on this show if that's the case. Kara winces. Her dad smiles. It's a little creepy, what with all the destruction and whatnot. Kara says she loves him. They hug. More explosions. He tells her to go now. "Go!" She walks really, really slowly. She turns one last time. Zor-El tells her he loves her. Have fun on Earth! Go see some Broadway shows! Visit Amsterdam! Don't sign up for those time-share deals; they're totally not worth it!