Smallville

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Omar G: B- | Grade It Now!
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Tell Lara I Love Her

We open on Krypton. Damn, this planet sucks! There are at least two suns in the sky (hello, SPF 5000) and missiles flying across the sky. We see a sunset on the horizon and a fortress of some sort where the design aesthetic was "Mid-Century Porcupine." It's the kind of thing some teenager weaned on Iron Maiden and Judas Priest might paint. With an airbrush. At the mall for a T-shirt. I think when your planet starts to look like this, you're better off just letting it explode. Inside the orange-tinged Fortress of Crapitude, what looks like a wizard in dark robes is leading a young lady by the hand as shit falls apart around them. It's Young Gay Dumbledore! Oh, wait, it's Kara wearing white robes, asking her father, in the dark robes, not to send her away. Zor-El (¡Olé!) tells her this is the only way. She'll be safer on Earth, since this planet is going to Hell in a crystal-spiked handbasket. Kara bitches that it takes three years to get to Earth. And no frequent-flyer miles, even.

Zor-El passes what looks like a doorway leading to a vast ocean. He says that the council has destroyed all the portals so that General Zod and his soldiers wouldn't escape. Kara asks what'll happen if she never sees her dad again. We hear an explosion and Zor-El waggles his body backward to emphasize the seismic shockwave. Kara does not. Big chunks of boulders fall. In a crystal structure. Nice one, Smallville. Zor-El, somehow in possession of ham on a planet with no pigs, says, "You must trust my wisdom!" My wisdom is fuckin' interstellar! Use it. Kara says everything and everyone she loves is here on Krypton. Zor-El presents her with a giant blue crystal dildo. He had been saving it for her wedding night, but that's all ruined now. He says this crystal is Kara's way back to them. As long as she has it, the world she knows and loves will always be safe. It glows a little as he hands it to her. She asks why Zor-El can't come with her. If you shake it, there's snowflakes. He says he has to stay here to protect Kandor. Speaking of candor, this really sucks. By the way, nice job protecting Kandor, Zor-El. Real bang-up job you did. Remind me never to leave you in charge of protecting anything. Unless I want it to blow up. Heck of a job there, Zor-y. Zor-El, speeding up his speech, says the crystal will tell her what to do when she rescues her cousin Kal-El. "I don't want to go!" Kara says. Zor-El puts his hand on her face and says that a true Kryptonian embraces his destiny no matter what. I think we have yet to see a Kryptonian on this show if that's the case. Kara winces. Her dad smiles. It's a little creepy, what with all the destruction and whatnot. Kara says she loves him. They hug. More explosions. He tells her to go now. "Go!" She walks really, really slowly. She turns one last time. Zor-El tells her he loves her. Have fun on Earth! Go see some Broadway shows! Visit Amsterdam! Don't sign up for those time-share deals; they're totally not worth it!

We cut to Kara's eyes, looking sad. The camera pulls back quickly to reveal that she's floating above a major city. A giant commercial airplane is heading right for her. Her superhearing doesn't notice until it's right on her. She sails up, and the airplane flies under her, barely missing. Kara flies toward us and then up over us. We see the nation's Capitol building in the background. Kara was an unidentified moping object.

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Smallville

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