Smallville

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Omar G: B- | Grade It Now!
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Tell Lara I Love Her

Zor-El turns away and walks it off. He says Zor-El's blood runs too cold to be a dad. He's a Popsicle! (Groan. I know. Bad joke.) Lara says that Zor-El tried to kill him. "What does that make you?" she asks. "Passionate!" he growls. Acting! Brilliant! Thank you! He thinks Jor-El stole Lara from him and stole his life. Man, these Kryptons are fucking batty. They need their own daytime program, maybe five days a week. Lara says Jor-El didn't steal her. Zor-El says that Jor-El will never feel about her the way he does. Psycho? Silly? Zor-El tries to grab on Lara again, saying that he'll love her son as his own and that Kara loves Lara like a mom. Lara tells him to stop and says he's delusional. Am I? Am I really? Or am I just lusional enough to start making sense? Zor-El says one of the funniest lines of the episode: "We will be together, Lara. If not here today, then one day through my science." My science rules! I got a ribbon at the fair and everything. Fuck other people's science. Mine makes the ladies go, "Haaaaay!" Lara suddenly realizes that her DNA's been stolen. And a dingo ate it.

Zor-El, really going for the gusto here, says that he stored a few strands of her in a crystal that's full of light and beauty, just like Lara. Ah...right, then. Could you go away? You're creeping out the farm animals, dude. Lara says she refuses to be his next science experiment. "Oh, you're much more than that, Lara," he says and tries to grope on her yet again. Dastardly! Moustache twirl! He should totally tie her to some train tracks. Kara watches all this. Thanks for the help, chica. "Father!" she finally says. She asks how he could do this. "I told you to WAIT OUTSIDE!" he says, holding up a little Krypton crest. He points it at Kara. It glows orange and has the Superman logo on it. "You will forget everything about this day!" he says. Oh, that it could have been pointed right at me.

We flash back to a sweaty Clark, who just saw all that. Whoah! He blinks. Kara has flatlined. He yells for her to come back. Evil Agent Carter is lurking right behind Clark, holding the clamps. And then he gets shot by Papa Luthor, who, of course, is standing right in the corner. Who doesn't have access to this room? Is this place for rent on Craiglist? Papa Luthor, hand in his pocket, goes to check on the agent. He checks for a pulse, but we're not sure if he's dead. Papa eyes the IV and moves it away. He tells Clark he'd have never told him about this place if he knew how dangerous it was. Clark, frustrated, raises his fist. In slow motion, he slams it down right above Kara's boobs. There's an orange flash. And, of course, she sits right up, come back to life. This is...just...awful. This whole scene plays like a six-year-old was making it up as he went along: "And then she was dreaming, and then Clark went into her dream, and then he wasn't seeing her dream anymore, but she was dead, but then the bad guy was coming up behind him, but then Papa Luthor shot him because he was there now, and then Clark was sad, but then he put up his fist and he hit Kara in the tummy and she woke'd up! All better!" Motherfucking jeez! This show should be sponsored by Fisher Price. Kara heaves her mighty bosoms as we zoom in. Thanks? She hugs Clark. "I'm so sorry," she says. Clark says it's gonna be all right. He doesn't seem so sure. Neither do I.

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Smallville

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