Smallville

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Omar G: B- | Grade It Now!
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Tell Lara I Love Her

Clark says the reason he's here is that he discovered an underground government lab in Granville. He asks if Papa Luthor knows anything about it. Papa asks what he was doing there. Clark says he was researching a story for a friend. Papa says the lab belongs to the Department of Domestic Security. Clark squints. Papa says for Clark to tell "her" that it's not a front-page story. Clark says he thought that department only dealt with terrorism. Papa says they deal with other things; he mentions that Washington has had its eye on the stars for years. He says there's a program called "Starhawk" and that they came to Smallville right after the second meteor shower. Papa says he's done all he could to divert attention away from Clark. He pours himself a drink. That hug really heightened the need for liquid refreshment. Clark asks why Papa didn't say anything about this before. Papa says that Clark's life is complicated enough. What with the gay and all. He says the government found no conclusive evidence of an alien threat. He asks if Clark thinks they found something at that lab that could have changed their minds. Clark does the Blue Steel Stare. He steps forward. "Tell me everything you know about Starhawk," he says. Well, sit for a spell and pull up a drink, and I'll tell you the old tale of Starhawk, sonny. It begins on a cloudy night when -- oh, never mind, we go to another scene.

The Blue Dildo of Kryptonian Destiny And Stuff is spinning and shimmering. Agent Carter is staring at it hungrily. If only he didn't work for the government, he could take this dildo to Europe and be married to it, legally. Damn you, government! I love you and must obey you at the same time even if it destroys my soul! Stupid laws. Poor Agent Carter. Two scientists in white coats are trying to look busy. We pull back and see that the crystal is held up by two larger, thicker black pointed objects (uh...could you stop now, show? I think we get the power of phallic imagery by this point) coming at it from either side. If one of those scientists starts trying to instigate an artificial, three-pronged space bukkake, I'm out of here. All right, fine, I'm not. But I'll make some very stern comments about it.

Carter asks his scientists for the object's composition. "Beryllium," says the nerdier, more Napoleon Dynamite of the two. There's also aluminum silicate with fluorine. There's also an unidentified creamy substance inside. It may be Twinkie-based. And...dear Lord...it's alive! Ominously, Nerd Overload says it's made up of seven percent of an unknown substance. Milky. White. Wangish. Without taking his gaze off the crystal, Carter says, "Lock it down." He asks for a full report. Wow, tone down that eyeliner, Carter. This isn't the musical Cats, dude. The crystal goes from purple to baby blue. Is that really locking it down? Someone on an intercom says that a Luthor is in the building. A door slides open, and Lex enters the room. Everyone, look busy! Our funding's in danger! No more Lobster Buffet Thursdays!

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Smallville

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