Episode Report Card
admin: A | 1 USERS: A+
Superpower Shuffle

Orchestral music comes up on some tall trees. We're in the woods, and as we pan down in the forest of leafitude, a teacher is telling a class of students that a storm is coming in fifteen minutes, and that he wants to be on the road before then. All the students are wearing coats, including Sneaky Pete and Clark Kent, who are on a scavenger hunt for rocks. Pete asks how many rocks they have left to find. "Two," Clark says. "Rose quartz and meteor rock." Meteor rocks are more plentiful than hydrogen in the town of Smallville. Pete tries to make it a competition to see who can find the rocks first. Pete has got a lot of pent-up not-getting-laid energy going. Clark smiles because he's about to cheat Pete. He uses his super-vision to find some quartz. Why he doesn't scope out some diamonds and gold to help out his family's finances, we're never told. While poor mortal Pete hammers into some rocks, Sneaky Clark looks around to make sure his friend isn't watching and smashes his hand into the ground, then pops open a rock like a can or Pringles to reveal the bejeweled quartz innards. "Make that one," Clark says, smiling all out of proportion to the fact that this is basically just classwork. "You're a regular rockhound, Clark," Pete says admiringly. Is that like being a dirt devil? Suddenly, Clark looks all sick. He raises his hand in the now-familiar sign of kryptonite poisoning: the mottling of hand-flesh and popping out of hand-veins. Clark's hand is a kryptonite Geiger counter. "Clark?" we hear, and when he turns around, he sees Lana, who is wearing her kryptonite necklace. I thought we ditched the whole necklace thing ages ago. Lana -- who is so pretty that all the forest animals have slaughtered each other for a chance to follow her around, Snow White-style -- doesn't notice the large screechy sound effect or that her necklace is glowing like a Halloween lightstick. Chloe slides in just then, wearing a maroon ski hat. She complains about geology and how much she hates it while Lana sweetly mentions that she's doing more ranting than digging. Chloe -- who only likes digging for news -- complains that geology is more pointless than algebra and that she could have all the rocks ordered on the internet and delivered to her home vacuum-sealed. From whom, Chloe? All the geology-related dot-coms that ran Super Bowl ads two years ago have long since gone out of business. Don't you remember the sock puppet?

We cut to a nerdy-looking boy with glasses and fluffy hair using a pick to cut a rock open. As the menacing screechy music plays, he picks up half the rock, and we see it lined with specks of what we Smallville regulars call "plot rocks." In the U.K., they're known as "premise stones." Nerd Boy -- who, despite his black trenchcoat, looks like a stretched-out Harry Potter -- hustles down a hill and goes up to a blonde girl named Holly, asking her if she wants a piece of meteor rock. She says she already has it, but thanks anyway. Her boyfriend, on the other hand, isn't as polite. He calls Nerd Boy a loser and tells him to stop hitting on his girlfriend. Every person on this show with a letter jacket seems to have a girlfriend, or at least gets laid regularly. You'd think more guys would want to buy jackets like that. Evil Boyfriend makes a threat, and Nerd Boy bravely, but uncreatively says, "I'd like to see you try," but the bully backs off when he sees their instructor walking over. "You're lucky your daddy's a teacher," he mumbles, and walks off. Good thing our bully plans to major in plot exposition in college. "Eric?" Teacher Daddy says. "How many samples have you collected?" Am I the only one who automatically thinks of urine whenever somebody says the word "sample"? Teacher Daddy looks like he could be Andy Richter's dad. Nerd Boy complains that he's had trouble because his glasses keep fogging up. In the woods? I thought that only happened when you went inside. "Get with the program, Eric!" Teacher Daddy says. Yeah! Get with the Smallville! Nerd Boy starts to try to talk to his Dad, addressing him by that name, but his father's all, "It's Mr. Summers at school." Oh, I see. He's a harsh disciplinarian who never wants to let go of his authority over his meek wife and repressed son. I quietly check "Stock Character #43" off my stock villain scoresheet. Teacher Daddy tells his son (also a "Mr. Summers," incidentally) that he'd better find every rock. Nerd Boy defiantly puts on his oversized headphones and walks off. As he walks off, the teacher brushes past Pete and Clark. "Glad he's not my dad," Pete observes. Who is your dad, Pete? We've never seen him.

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