Smallville

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Omar G: B+ | Grade It Now!
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My Troubles Are Legion

Just as soon as Lana is out the door, a purple portal opens up overhead, behind Clark. I hope it's not one of those purple portal people eaters. Some reject from The Hills Have Eyes, wearing lame armor, no sleeves and holding a giant axe, appears and takes a swing at a nearby box. The axe glows red as he does it. He smashes the box. Hey, that's where we were keeping the gift cards for the orphanage! You dick! The armored goofball stares harshly ahead through his metal mask's eyeholes. Clark, behind him, asks who he is and what he's doing there. Yeah, good one, Clark, have a rational conversation with the axe-wielding maniac. In slow motion, the dude swings the axe around and plunges it right into Clark's left side. Owie! The axe rings. Ding dong, I have to axe you something. Clark grits his teeth. He gets kicked in the chest and knocked over the barn railing. Clark falls and rolls downstairs. Axe Man puts a foot on Clark's chest, next to the bloody stain on the side of his shirt. He tries to bring the glowing axe down on Clark, but something stops the weapon. The axe flies out of the metal man's hands and swings away. A young man catches it nearby. He's wearing a ring with the letter "L" on it and looks like Orlando Bloom's doucheier little brother who's trying to grow a peachfuzz beard. "I'll take that," he says. The big lug is trying to do something, but he gets mind-whammied by a young blonde woman standing nearby. She's got fingers to her temple, so you know there's some serious mental power shit going on. Then a young redheaded man in a track suit steps up and fires some electricity from his hands, sending the Axe Man flying back. He hits some wood and falls. Younger Orlando Bloom takes a ring off the bad guy's finger and says, "Have a nice trip home, you hack." The meany disappears in a flash of purple light. Clark, still wounded, gets up and asks who they are. The three of them line up like bowling pins. "Kal-El, it is an absolute honor and privilege," the Bloom family lead visitor says. Clark asks how they know his name. "We are the Legion," the girl says. Clark is told they're from the 31st century. "Hey Kal," the dorky redheaded guy asks, "where's the cape?" He makes a little gesture around his neck. "Cape?" Clark asks. I think it would be quite fashion-forward.

Opening credits. Commercials. The Uninvited invites you to come see it in theaters. If you're like me, you'll say the invitation must have gotten lost in the mail. Or that you were uninvited.

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Smallville

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