Lex meets with a shady yet smooth man in a bad part of Granville, who promises to dig up (or make up) some info on Bo Duke to help Lex win his state senate election. But on his way back to his car, Lex is shot by the girl who waves her arms for the cars to go in those Fast And The Furious movies. Sadly, the car is stolen. While unconscious, Lex has a Christmas dream in which his dead mother shows him what'll happen if he chooses to be a good Lex as opposed to the bad Lex he will eventually be. Good Lex is married to Lana, which doesn't sound Good at all. They have a son and another baby on the way. Clark and Chloe seem to be a couple, and Chloe has just finished a book on LuthorCorp, the company Lex left behind when he decided to go middle-class (not just in income; remember, he chose Lana, which is pretty middling in my book). Lex is buddy-buddy with Senator Bo Duke, and his life is absolutely hunky-dory. Unfortunately, Lana -- who can withstand back tattoos and is part witch -- can't handle childbirth, and dies. Lex feels responsible because Papa Luthor won't help him airlift Lana to a specialist, which must mean that, without money and power, Lex will still lose the woman he loves. That bites, I suppose. Meanwhile, Papa Luthor (the real one, not the dream one) is trying to keep Lex from becoming a paraplegic, airlifting Lex despite the risk to his life moving him would cause. Lex wakes up, angry that Papa Luthor took that chance. He decides that life with Lana is not for him (can you blame him?) and allows Shady Yet Smooth to dig up that information on Bo Duke after all, thus completing the Star Wars prequel trilogy. Er, I mean, this episode of Smallville. In other news, Clark helps Chloe deliver toys to children in Metropolis and meets the real Santa Claus. Don't worry. It's just holiday schmaltz. Nothing more to see here.
Welcome back, true believers. This is a one-shot episode after a hiatus and right before another hiatus, so for me it's like the photo negative of a one-week recapping vacation. But, hey, I'm not complaining. It just means a short break from Christmas shopping and a reason to put extra liquor in my egg nog.
As the short preview before the episode lets you know, this episode is brought to you by Barbra Streisand's Vaseline-o-Vision. Guaranteed to make everything look fuzzy and idyllic. Also, the WB announcer in the preview is using his naughty-jovial Gilmore Girls voice -- the one that seems to ask, "What are those crazy girls doing this week?" Does that make Lex Rory?
We open on a typically high angle on a grimy-looking city street. We're fixed on a garish neon sign for "Lonzo's Tavern." I bet that's short for "A Lonz Time Ago...," perhaps in a galaxy far, far away. A forlorn and jazzy Christmas ditty plays (Ray Charles's "That Spirit Of Christmas") as Lex's silver ride drives up the wet, sad alley. A title card reads, "Granville, Kansas." Did we really need that? Couldn't this have just as easily taken place in a seedier part of Smallville? "Christmas Eve," a second title card reads. Lex stops his car, gets out, and blips the car alarm as he enters a shady-looking building. A door is wide open. Lex passes it and slides the heavy door shut behind him. He's wearing a natty silver suit, with what looks almost like a tux jacket. Wow, I wore something like that to my junior-year prom.
A Wayne Brady-looking dude in a leather jacket is sitting among rows of pipes, where he apparently has a desk set up. This is like the worst first-person-shooting game ever. Lex asks the guy why they couldn't have met at the mansion. Where it's slightly less...uh...dank and diseased. Wayne Brady, Non-Criminal passes Lex as he says he doesn't make house calls. Wow, he's hardcore thug with that earring, nice haircut, and good looks. If all criminals were this smooth, no one would ever get sent to jail. The guy says that if Lex wants to "utilize" his skills ("z" on "skillz" optional), Lex will have to come to his world. Check. Got any wet-wipes? I think a rat just shat on my shoe. The guy says that Lex will have to do this if he wants to take down Bo Duke. Couldn't you just do that with a really surprising "BOO!"? He's not in the best of health, is all I'm saying. Lex says he's heard Wayne Brady, Bitch-Choker has a "grenade" he can lob. "Not yet," says Wayne Brady, Campaign Adviser. "But I will. I'll either find it or create it." He says that, whether it's true or not, printed word about a man is gospel. Yep, and they pay me a priest's wage. Lex gulps. He says he needs twenty-four hours to think about it. Lex walks off. "Your old man wouldn't hesitate," says Wayne Brady, Shit-Stirrer, over Lex's shoulder. Without turning, Lex stops and says that, before he goes down the path the guy's proposing, he wants to consider all his options. There's the "Yes" option, and then there's the equally alluring "No" option. So many decisions. Wayne Brady, Conscience Agitator, asks if the holiday spirit has got Lex "all sentimental." It doesn't help that Lex's interior monologue music soundtrack is cranked up to 11. Lex turns angrily and tells the guy -- now named Wayne Brady, Actually Named "Griff" -- that if Papa Luthor gets wind of this, Griff won't make it to New Year's. Griff thinks, "Geez, you're rude, just like my manicurist."