Welcome back, true believers. This is a one-shot episode after a hiatus and right before another hiatus, so for me it's like the photo negative of a one-week recapping vacation. But, hey, I'm not complaining. It just means a short break from Christmas shopping and a reason to put extra liquor in my egg nog.
As the short preview before the episode lets you know, this episode is brought to you by Barbra Streisand's Vaseline-o-Vision. Guaranteed to make everything look fuzzy and idyllic. Also, the WB announcer in the preview is using his naughty-jovial Gilmore Girls voice -- the one that seems to ask, "What are those crazy girls doing this week?" Does that make Lex Rory?
We open on a typically high angle on a grimy-looking city street. We're fixed on a garish neon sign for "Lonzo's Tavern." I bet that's short for "A Lonz Time Ago...," perhaps in a galaxy far, far away. A forlorn and jazzy Christmas ditty plays (Ray Charles's "That Spirit Of Christmas") as Lex's silver ride drives up the wet, sad alley. A title card reads, "Granville, Kansas." Did we really need that? Couldn't this have just as easily taken place in a seedier part of Smallville? "Christmas Eve," a second title card reads. Lex stops his car, gets out, and blips the car alarm as he enters a shady-looking building. A door is wide open. Lex passes it and slides the heavy door shut behind him. He's wearing a natty silver suit, with what looks almost like a tux jacket. Wow, I wore something like that to my junior-year prom.
A Wayne Brady-looking dude in a leather jacket is sitting among rows of pipes, where he apparently has a desk set up. This is like the worst first-person-shooting game ever. Lex asks the guy why they couldn't have met at the mansion. Where it's slightly less...uh...dank and diseased. Wayne Brady, Non-Criminal passes Lex as he says he doesn't make house calls. Wow, he's hardcore thug with that earring, nice haircut, and good looks. If all criminals were this smooth, no one would ever get sent to jail. The guy says that if Lex wants to "utilize" his skills ("z" on "skillz" optional), Lex will have to come to his world. Check. Got any wet-wipes? I think a rat just shat on my shoe. The guy says that Lex will have to do this if he wants to take down Bo Duke. Couldn't you just do that with a really surprising "BOO!"? He's not in the best of health, is all I'm saying. Lex says he's heard Wayne Brady, Bitch-Choker has a "grenade" he can lob. "Not yet," says Wayne Brady, Campaign Adviser. "But I will. I'll either find it or create it." He says that, whether it's true or not, printed word about a man is gospel. Yep, and they pay me a priest's wage. Lex gulps. He says he needs twenty-four hours to think about it. Lex walks off. "Your old man wouldn't hesitate," says Wayne Brady, Shit-Stirrer, over Lex's shoulder. Without turning, Lex stops and says that, before he goes down the path the guy's proposing, he wants to consider all his options. There's the "Yes" option, and then there's the equally alluring "No" option. So many decisions. Wayne Brady, Conscience Agitator, asks if the holiday spirit has got Lex "all sentimental." It doesn't help that Lex's interior monologue music soundtrack is cranked up to 11. Lex turns angrily and tells the guy -- now named Wayne Brady, Actually Named "Griff" -- that if Papa Luthor gets wind of this, Griff won't make it to New Year's. Griff thinks, "Geez, you're rude, just like my manicurist."