We cut to another part of the Kent home, where someone is putting an angel ornament atop the Christmas tree. "There. She's perfect," Lana says, coming down from a stepladder. It must be at least ten feet tall to get her up there. "Yes, she is," Clark says, staring at Lana. Because she's perfect. Lana, they mean. Right?
Al: Fuck yes, she's perfect.
Miles: She's our Virgin Mary. Without, you know, all the Catholicism.
Al: And a lot hotter. Right, Jesus?
Jesus: Er, yes. But I hope you all understand that these guys are paying me a lot of money to say so. Network TV money. "Fuck you, Judas" money. Happy holidays, folks. I'm going to go celebrate my birthday now. Chuck E. Cheese, here we come!
Clark and Lana kiss, right there in front of all the Christmas tree lights. Clark's flannel fails to catch fire. Lana comes down a few more steps from the ladder to her usual chipmunk height. Lana says it's usually just her and Nell during Christmas. Not Lana's longtime boyfriend from before she was with Clark? They never had a Christmas together? When Lana says "Nell," it sounds so much like "Mel" that even the closed captioning was fooled. I was wondering if the Talon had hired Vic Tayback as a cook at some point and I missed it. Lana says that, with Nell, there's always tinsel and an artificial tree. She thanks Clark for saving her from another plastic, store-bought holiday. Maybe you should just thank your formerly pink wardrobe and stars that Nell even bought you anything, you ungrateful little snipe. She's your aunt and she's doing the best she can, dammit! At least I think she is. I haven't really seen her since Season 1. Frankly, it's news to me that she's still alive. "Welcome," Clark says as Lana climbs up on a platform to kiss him again. Just as their lips are about to engage in unholy TV show mangling, a jolly polyphonic Jingle Bells tune plays. It's coming from Clark's pants. I knew he had jingle balls! They both grin at Clark's cell ringtone. Ah, ringtones. The TV punchline that will continue to be used for, like, five more years, at least. Lana walks away and says something garbled that sounds like "Tell a Merry Christmas, Chloe." He'll do that. Clark answers, and it is indeed his spunky blonde friend. We only hear her voice through the phone as she says, "Clark, I've got a problem. Meet me at The Planet." Dramatic music plays as we cut to Chloe, looking very serious. "I need your help," she says. Uh-oh. Trouble's afoot!