Smallville
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Family Ties That Bind Lex

The truck. Man, they're packed tight in there -- three adults and two kids. They must be on the way to Wal-Mart. "Can't we go any faster?" Papa Luthor asks. Bo says they're going as fast as they can. Papa Luthor glances back and asks what they're carrying in the back of the truck, since it's slowing them down. Bo ignores him. Shirtless Tiny Clark turns to Lex. Lex opens his eyes a little and looks back. Clark touches Lex's l'il head and runs his hand down Lex's cheek. Lex faints. Clark smiles and sits back. For obvious reasons, I refuse to give the GAYLE to this scene. But it is awfully cute.

Hospital. Papa Luthor, with his weird shag haircut, looks into the room where Lex is sleeping. L'il Lex looks really thin and frail. Bo comes out of another room as Papa Luthor is walking away, and asks about Lex. "He's in shock. But he'll survive," Papa Luthor says. Papa Luthor says that Bo saved him. The two introduce themselves. Papa Luthor says that if there's anything he can ever do for Bo, he should call. He hands over a business card. "I mean that, Mr. Kent," Papa Luthor says. The card says "Lionel Luthor, Chairman & CEO" and a Luthorcorp logo. The phone numbers have a 121 area code.

Suddenly, we're back on the farm with Bo, looking all sad. Clark asks why Bo wanted to keep his being a hero a big secret. Bo's about to say something, but a car pulls up. It's the law! Our old mustachioed friend Ethan gets out of the car. He says that Molly Dodd has petitioned Judge Ross for a DNA test. Clark says that's crazy. Ethan tells them that if it's not true, the DNA test will prove it. Ethan says they can run the test, send it to a Metropolis lab, and get the results back and over with by the next day. Ethan says he's sure they have nothing to worry about.

Jackass: The Movie. Candy for your inner thirteen-year-old boy.

A noisy street crowded with kids, strollers, and playing. This must be where all the breeders live. Lana, in an awful pink jacket, walks up some stairs to the front door of a house. Inside, there's a guy yelling about dumping and eyesores. I live in Austin; we got tons of guys just like this. They all wear Birkenstocks and listen to Ani DiFranco. Lana knocks and walks through a half-open door. The guy is still yelling about the power and water company and illegal dumping. He gets hung up on. Ha! He slams the phone hard into a cabinet. There are books stacked everywhere. "Uh, Mr. Small?" Lana says. "WHAT?!" he yells. I've been wishing for someone to yell at Lana, but I was hoping it would be someone she already knows. The guy -- who has graying hair, glasses, and a salt-and-pepper beard -- calms down and rubs his face. He apologizes and says he's not taking on any more law students. Lana says she's not a law student. She's barely a student at all. Potential Papa says he recognizes her from The Talon. Lana says she's never seen the guy there. He says she never will; he boycotts it. Yep, just sit at home with your Ani DiFranco and your freeze-dried coffee. Ass. Lana asks why. He says he's got a thing against Luthors. Lana says Lex is just a silent partner. "That's what the Vichys said about the Nazis," he tells her. "Look what happened to France." Yeah, France sucks. He asks her name. "Lana Lang," she says. She whips out the photo and says he knew her mom. The poor guy takes a breath so long is makes his Birks vibrate. "Where did you get this?" he asks. Lana says she found it. "Did you love her?' Lana asks, all girlish. "What do you want me to say?" Potential Papa asks. He says it's ancient history and doesn't matter. Now, a tree! That's worth cherishing! A chirpy-sounding woman's voice is heard asking the guy to stop saving the world for one minute and to give her a hand with something. We pan over to a blonde lady way off on the other side of the house. Small says he'll be right there. "I think you might be my father," Lana says suddenly. The woman calls for her husband again. Potential Papa tells Lana she's made a mistake. "I...have a family now," he says, backing away. He asks Lana not to bother him again. Lana ducks out of there and cries as she goes down the stairs. Now her nose matches her lipstick and eyeshadow.

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