Episode Report Card
Omar G: C | Grade It Now!
His panic (room)

Wing Chun: Hey, Omar, the WB just renewed Smallville for a sixth season. Twenty-two more recaps!
Omar: Really? Oh. Huh. How interesting for -- [pushes button on remote control and dives into panic room] -- ha ha! Not even a nuclear missile could get me out!
Wing Chun: You left your remote control out here.
Omar: …Goddammit.

"Stop him!" Deputy Revenge yells. Deputy Sidekick runs and tries to do that, but the metal door is sliding closed. Hilariously, the secure, supposedly massive prop metal door hesitates when she bumps up against it. She bangs it with her hand. Stupid, stupid foam core! Lex's voice is heard through a speaker in the main room.

We cut to Lex inside the panic room (Jodie Foster, what are you doing here?) as the overhead lights come online one by one. Lex tells his houseguests that whatever game they're playing, they just lost. And don't even think about bringing out the Uno deck, because Lex is a master player. You will Draw Four and you will lose. Deputy Revenge says that if Lex is trying the hardwire, good luck. He cut it a half hour ago. Inside the panic room, Lex watches his adversaries on some monitors. Revenge says he also installed a wireless scrambler. "Looks like the game has just started," the deputy says. "What do you want?" Lex asks into his hand-held intercom. Revenge says he'll give Lex a clue. "It's big, metallic and it came from outer space." Clark Kent? Lex feigns ignorance. Revenge spots a weird Troll-doll artifact on the wall with a red light in the center. It's a camera. On the monitor, Revenge says he wants the ship that landed during the meteor shower, or the panic room will be Lex's coffin. He points the gun at the camera and shoots. In the panic room, Lex flinches as the signal is lost. The camera pulls back for an overhead shot. I hope Lex has some Triscuits up in here to snack on because we've got ourselves a standoff.

Opening credits. Commercials. Underworld: Evolution. How is it that the movie is about vampires and werewolves and the most unbelievable thing in it is still Kate Beckinsale's career?

Kent Farm. Quality cow time. In the barn loft, Clark and Lana are sitting on the couch. Clark is leaning forward, concentrating on some paperwork. Lana complains that when he invited her over to study, he really meant studying. Our Big, Dumb Alien goes, "Whu?" "Kiss me," says horny Lana. Clark smiles, thinking, "I can do that!" and gives her a chaste little kiss. "Clark, what am I, your cousin?" she asks. Maeby, Maeby not. "Really kiss me," Lana demands. Yeah, Clark, give her the old pork tongue. Ugh. I just grossed myself out. It's bagels for me the rest of the week. Clark has to really think about it, then leans in for a more grown-up smooch. Lana's like, "Now give me your knee and don't move!" But before things get too hot and/or heavy, Clark pulls back and immediately says, "I've gotta go." Dude, it's your barn. Clark says he doesn't want to be late to class. He invited Lana over to study when he wasn't going to be there? Lana follows Clark and says that when they really kiss, she can feel how much he wants her. Ew. You should keep your hands to yourself, Lana. "Why can't we just be together?" she asks. "It's…complicated," Clark mutters. You see, there's fallopian tunnels and vas deferments and sacs holding honey-roasted almond-pecan nuts. It's very complex and you couldn't begin to fathom Clark's advanced biology. Lana says it shouldn't be complicated. Clark should be cock, balls, and when necessary, some sensitive t'aint. "Not when you love somebody," Lana finishes. Oh yeah. There's that.

Lana tries to walk past Clark, but he pulls her arm, which you'd think would snap it off like a dry twig. Lana drops her bag, revealing some sort of blueprint from her purse. Clark asks what it is. It looks like a schematic for a spaceship with a big "Luthorcorp" logo on the bottom-right of the sheet. Clark asks if she got this from Lex. "We've…been researching it together for the last couple of weeks," she says. No! You fact-hussy! You research-temptress! You Lexis-Nexis'd with him, didn't you!? Clark asks why she's kept this from him. She says, while bobbing her head around like she's on Springer, that every time she brings up the ship, Clark changes the subject. Oh, no she did! "I don't think there's any point in dwelling on it," Clark says. No point in…dude, it's a spaceship! Just because you had one in the garage your whole life doesn't mean the rest of us don't want one. I could use it to fly into my panic room. "I saw what came out of that ship," Lana says. Was it Michael Jackson? I bet it was Michael Jackson. Lana says she saw all the police officers get killed and that she was almost killed herself. Lana says she turned to Lex because he wants to find the truth, not avoid it. Close-up on Clark as he super-pees himself in fear.

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