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Lucy Goosey

Let me put it this way: I have a wedding to write. A wedding that's tomorrow. Seriously. In fact, by the time this recap is done, the wedding will have come and gone, and somewhere between Lois Lane's sister on skis, and Lex and Clark becoming best friends again out of nowhere, I will have written the script to said wedding. I'll let you know how it went.

We begin the episode with some very snowy mountains. This show has fucked my sense of geography so badly that I'm not sure if this is Switzerland, Kansas, or Hawaii. Ah, thank you helpful title card: "St. Moritz, Switzerland," it reads. I'm not sure whether I should go for a Swiss Miss joke or a Ricola reference. Oh, DUDE! If you go to the Ricola Web site, the first thing that happens is you hear the guy bellow, "RIIIIICOLA!" That ROCKS! Go. Right now. I'll wait here. Cool, huh? That's one you should bookmark and just go to every day when you're feeling a little off-balance. They need to have that on the official Smallville website, only when you get there, it would say, "Kreeeeeeeptonite!"

Where were we? Oh yeah, Switzerland. Riiiiicola! Wedding! No, Smallville! Right. On point. Here we go: up in them thar mountains, we see a very pretty ski lift. A woman dressed in puffy pink coat goes to the top of a set of stairs and plants her skis. She buckles herself in. She's either a fairly decent-looking teen girl or a very pretty boy. She puts on her goggles. She pushes off and sails down the steps as loud techno music blares. It goes: "Ba dum ba duduuum. Dingadingboom." The girl in pink ski, ski, skis. Out of nowhere, some dude in black is chasing her. What staircase did he come down from? The sun shines behind them, and it truly is the ski chase from Better Off Dead. Hey, lady. Go down, that way, really fast. If something gets in your way...turn. I suddenly wonder what the street value of the snow on that mountain is worth.

The dude in black chases the girl in pink. The song is actually pretty bad-ass. It's like The Crystal Chemical Brothers Remix Power Hour up in here. Pink Ski Lady elbows the dude in black and he falls on his butt, but recovers and gets back in motion. It's awesome how much I'm rooting for this girl because the show caused me to be so emotionally invested in...wait, who is she again? Homegirl jumps on a ramp. Dude in black jumps after her. Hey, maybe that dude in black is Lane Meyer! That would be awesome. Other dudes in black give chase. They all shop at the Villain Pro Shop. You can get awesome silencers and metal teeth there. More skiing. Is that the moon behind them? And the sun? What are they, on Tatooine? Everybody sails over some big rocks. One dude in black doesn't make it, because he lands in crappy white manure. Pink Ski Lady goes on a big ski jump. Man In Black is a very tenacious skier. He's in hot pursuit. One tourist watching is like, "This is not the bunny slope. I am going to die." Lots of trees. Hey, there's Sonny Bono's scalp! Somehow, there's a tripwire between a pair of trees, and the dude in black hits it and falls. I bet that would have taken off a leg in real life. Man In Black takes off his helmet instead of continuing his pursuit. He looks really pissed off and French. Not a great combination. Pink Lady keeps sailing. Mean Guy In Black pounds the snow. Stupid, stupid snow! Instead of making a real getaway, the girl in pink stops mid-slope to make a phone call. "Hello, Savage Steve Holland? Wanna do a remake?"

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