Episode Report Card
Omar G: C+ | Grade It Now!
Lucy Goosey

Be Cool. Let's not.

We come back to Jewel Heist: The Bastard Got Me Diamonds! on A&E. Wait a minute, I know that formerly Magnificent but Soon-to-Be-Magnificent-Again, We Can Hope Bastard anywhere! It's Papa Luthor, and he's using a magnifying eyepiece and a tiny brush to examine an artifact. Jason walks in, unannounced, to what looks like it might be Papa Luthor's bedroom (delicious!). "Luthor," Jason says huskily, "where is it?" It's in the top drawer by the bed, but he swears he only uses it when it's cold and he's lonely! Bushy-headed Papa Luthor says that maybe Jason should tell him what he wants. Oh, you're good, Papa. You've very good. "You know exactly what it is that I want," Jason says. Is he gonna have to come right out and say it? "Give him some money!" Jason says that Papa Luthor sent him to China with that map because he knew he'd return with the stone. Jason starts rudely knocking books off of Papa Luthor's shelf. No, not the Pynchon! Ah, too late. Jason, wearing his 8 Mile hoodie, thinks it was all just a ploy. That's a damn good ploy if he's right. Papa Luthor says that if he had the foresight Jason suggests, he wouldn't need any artifacts. Ha. Jason points a finger at Papa and threatens to get with the rough stuff if Papa Luthor doesn't have the foresight to tell him what he wants to know. Papa Luthor is incredibly offended at being threatened. Jason accuses Papa Luthor of breaking into Lana's apartment. Papa assures him that breaking and entering ain't his style. Jason keeps knocking things over. Papa Luthor teases Jason, saying he'll have to go treasure-hunt somewhere else. "Good day!" he adds brightly. I said "good day," sir! Jason gives Papa Luthor the Psycho Peepers, grabs a Luthor, and throws him against a wall. Jason demands the stone or an explanation good enough to convince him Papa Luthor didn't take it. Papa starts to explain what Jason is doing to him. Jason slams him against the wall again. "Why are you doing this?" Papa Luthor whines, very Napoleon Dynamite. He asks if Jason is engaging in some elaborate act. Jason tells him not to turn it around on him. Papa Luthor rises from the ashes of goodness to deliver this magnificent moment: "I think we both know there's nothing stronger than the love between mother and son." Ooh, Jason! He's talkin' about yo mama! Papa Luthor says he's sure "Miss Lang" agrees. Jason turns and, oops, there's Lana standing right in the doorway, looking hurt. She starts to cry. Nice ploy there, Papa.

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