Smallville
Magnetic

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Metal Of Horror

This one's not very good either, folks. Let's just hunker down and get through it.

We open on a drum roll on audio and a loop-de-loopy roller coaster on video. We follow the roller coaster as it loops, and I get all schmoopy about wanting to go to an amusement park. In mid-November. We cut straight to a band on a Lowell County Fair stage with a merry-go-round behind them. Who are these dork munchers? They're playing easy-listening lite teen roc,k and one of them can't even be bothered to stand: The dude in the blue shirt is playing one of those weak Beach Boys horizontal guitar-looking things. Already, I hate them. Somebody's holding up what looks like a naked Pooh bear in the audience. Get some clothes on that mammal! The lead singer of The Dork Munchers sings about a picture on the wall while his blond soul-patched lead guitarist (does two earrings mean you suck or that you blow?) is nodding along like it's the wisdom of the ages. Other people in the audience are half-heartedly throwing their hands in the air. Who let the zombies out?

Cut to somebody shaking a heavy-looking snow globe like the one that smacked the stuffing out of that guy's skull in Unfaithful, only this one has green meteor rocks in it. "Smallville Meteor Capital of the World!" the globe reads at its base. Inside are cows, corn, and a barn. Lana, who's sort of a pink rosebud herself, is disgusted with herself for shaking the globe. "How tasteless is this?" she asks. You mean that pink shirt and blue jacket? Yeah, Lana. You blend. She says she thinks those are real meteor rocks in the snow globe. Chloe is standing next to her, and says it's the American version of closure: you can only get over your grief when you figure out how to market your tragedy. Next week on Smallville: Lana introduces "Smush'ems," a new panini pastry dedicated to her dead parents. "Ooh, cotton candy!" Chloe says suddenly, leading Lana away from the shelves o' meteor globes. Chloe buys Lana some cotton candy. In some countries, that would mean they're married. Lana whines to Chloe that sometimes she just wants to get away from all this. Carnies, cotton candy, roller coasters: it's just all so depressing isn't it, Lana? Go bleat somewhere else. Lana says she'd like to do what Clark did and just leave it all behind. Chloe says they almost got through the day without mentioning their "favorite farm boy." Lana says she didn't mean to "throw a wet towel" over their "girls' day out." Is Lana forty-six years old? Chloe says she's going to state something obvious: Clark's not dating Lana was his loss, not Lana's. Chloe's looking awfully good today. She's got more makeup on, and Lana's got less. It sorta works.

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Smallville

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