Episode Report Card
Kim: B- | Grade It Now!

I guess I should start the recap by explaining that, while I used to watch Smallville last season, I have only watched one episode this season. So I apologize in advance if I make mistakes in terms of character motivation, names, places, and suchlike, but from what Omar tells me, the writing hasn't been so great this year, so maybe I'm not the one with the problem. Anyway, regular recap readers, I appreciate your patience and I promise that once Omar is all married and honeymooned, he'll be back!

Excelsior Academy, which, from the looks of it, is a learning place for Goths-in-training, and is surrounded by some sort of weather dome that makes it thunder and lightning all of the time. Papa Luthor uses a flashlight to enter a dark classroom, and asks his guide, one Mr. Woodruff, where Lex is. Hey, Woodruff is my mom's maiden name. Shout out? Woodruff says that Lex is out there, and that if anyone approaches, Lex becomes hysterical and claims he's protecting his brother Julian. Papa Luthor is like, "Okay, get lost, loser." Woodruff gets lost. Papa Luthor walks over to the window, through which he sees Lex outside on a rooftop, sitting in the pouring rain, singing a lullaby to a blanketed bundle. Hey, why is Lex all young and shit? This is a flashback! I'm a little slow sometimes. Anyway, Papa Luthor thinks that Lex is acting all freaky to get himself expelled. Younger Lex (who looks nothing like Michael Rosenbaum) claims that he found the baby crying in his dorm room. Papa Luthor seriously intones, "Julian is dead, Lex. We both know why. You have to come to terms with that!" As Papa Luthor approaches him, Lex jumps up and stands on the ledge, ordering his father to stay away. Papa Luthor orders Lex to get down, and Lex keeps saying that Julian needs him. Lex gets all worked up and ends up tossing the empty blanket off the roof, although in his mind, he has just killed his brother. Papa Luthor holds Lex back as he screams, "Juliaaaaan! Juliaaaan!" This fades into present-day Lex screaming the same thing while standing on a rooftop in his house. Lana runs out and grabs Lex, pulling him backwards onto a balcony. Lex falls and totally conks his head on the wall. Lana helps him sit up and asks what he was doing. Lex is all, "Who am I? Who are you? Who's Jerry Lewis?" In other words, he's dazed and confused. Smash to credits.

Kent Farm. Sunrise. Clark is doing chores in the barn. And by "doing chores," I mean...well, doing chores, unfortunately. Lana walks in, and Clark explains that Pa Kent had to go to Metropolis for medical tests, so Clark is getting his farm on. Lana thought Pa was getting better, which allows Clark to deliver the groan-inducing "When your heart's been through something like that, the scars don't just magically disappear." Get it? DO YOU GET IT? Okay. Clark says that Lana obviously didn't come out to "admire [his] stall-mucking abilities," which seems like a guilt trip, and could Clark be any more passive-aggressive? Lana awkwardly says that she was delivering payroll to Lex (why can every line on this show be taken as a double entendre?), and she thinks something is wrong with Lex, because she found him "out on the ledge, screaming for someone named Julian." Gee, what would ever have made her think something might be wrong? Lana is a rocket scientist. Clark explains who Julian is, and that he died of SIDS when Lex was a kid. Lana looks pained and says that Lex claimed he was just having a bad dream. Clark explains that the last time Lex had a breakdown, he was singing to Julian. Lana thinks for about ten minutes and then suggests, "Maybe he's had a relapse." Clark suggests that Lana steer clear of Lex for a while, since they last time he lost it, Lana got trampled by Meteor the Stompy Horse. Lana doesn't think that's relevant, but Clark asks her please to stay away, and offers to talk to Lex. And then they stare at each other for, like, fifteen minutes and in the hands of better actors I might have a clue what they were supposed to be thinking or feeling, but in reality, I have no idea.

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